the dark post match drink

Lightness in the dark of the tunnel

2008-09-14T11:50:00.002+01:00

This is one of the few things which brought a smile to my face over the last few weeks!

What ?

2008-09-14T10:54:00.008+01:00

Back in the 1970's I used to read top war magazine Warlord and became a member of their club. Your Warlord reader was enlisted as a secret agent by Lord Peter Flint and could dream of a fingerprint kit, a heliograph, a secret agent stamp or even the adventure kit including such delights as a camera, binoculars and a water bottle. No sham of a club was this, the agents had to compile dossiers on the “enemy” and they had to be completed punctually and maintained as Lord Peter could call for them to be submitted in the event of a national emergency.

Me and my friends were convinced that the country was about to be invaded by Germans, and we thought the invasion likely to come on Tynemouth long sands. We dedicated ourselves to putting in place detailed plans and equipment to be used to stop their evil tanks as they landed on the beach and we planned a secondary defence of the metro station.The other certainty was our hatred of rival comic Bullet. It's main character was a character called just "Fireball". He was raised by his uncle, Lord Peter Flint aka Warlord, after his parents, who worked for British Intelligence, were killed in a mysterious car crash.
For 35p you could join the Fireball Club, and get the Top Secret Story of Fireball, a plastic wallet with ID cards and - wait for it - a Fireball pendant made of black plastic that glowed red when you held it up to the light! In our book Fireball agents were the enemy. The rivalry was of course stired up by Warlord and Bullet and we hated their camp pedant wearing agents.

In 1979 the impossible happened and Bullet was merged into Warlord. It was unbelievable, we were being asked to embrace the enemy as Flint reinvented history to make those pesky Fireball agents our friends. It was confusing, seemed morally wrong and I could not get the whole affair stright in my head at all. It was the death knell of the comic, in protest I stopped reading it.

Twenty nine years later just the thought of it still makes me angry.

In the same way that I was confused by events then I am equally confused about recent events at Newcastle. I can normally sit back, reflect and make some sense of events at the club but the last couple of weeks have just just thrown me. I genuinely struggle to make any sense of it all. After a promising start to the season it has all turned to dust. IT is hard to see any way forward at the moment.

I can only turn to the words of nufc.com in December 2001. After the 3-1 win at Arsenal, which not only saw us go top of the league it also saw us finally beat the London hoodoo, they were in celebratory mood. They ended the match report with

"savour it while you may. Anyone remotely familiar with the workings of Newcastle United knows that tragedy and misfortune lies but a footstep away...."

This totally sums up our lot.

Whilst I walked away from Warlord that option is not available as far as the club is concerned. I am stuck with it till the bitter end, wherever that may take us.

We are deluded!

2008-08-16T16:33:00.004+01:00

For the last couple of years the media have been telling us that Toon fans have delusions in that we somehow believe we have a right to expect silverware and expect to be challenging at the top every year.

Next time you read a hack or some blog commentator churning out this totally unfounded cliche point them towards this article

"NEWCASTLE United fans are the most pessimistic of all Premiership supporters about the new footie season.
A poll by the National Lottery found that 44 per cent of the Toon faithful believe their team has no chance of silverware."

So that is another myth we can discard then...

Great minds think alike....

2008-08-15T20:28:00.001+01:00

....fools seldom differ.

From NUFC.com.

They say its the greatest form of flattery!

(Hopefully) Welcome Fabricio Coloccini

2008-08-06T22:46:00.004+01:00

Reports suggest that Fabricio Coloccini was in town today for a medical, and that he was watching the PSV game tonight. Well, he will be our most expensive defensive signing apparently, overtaking the cash we paid for Woodgate.

Lets hope that he and Jonas settle in better than our previous Argentine pairing of Bassedas and Cordone. We desperately needed a genuine quality centre half and the composure of Woodgate has been missed over the last few years. In this strange market we find ourselves in, quality does not come cheap I guess.

Fingers crossed that the (hated) Mick Wadsworth South American crazyness back in 2000 mistakes are not repeated. With the possible exception of Acuna the South Americans signed when Robson handed him a ticket to South America spectacularily failed. As well as the Argentines, Wadsworth trip to the Americas also saw Gavillan come to the club. He also convinced Bobby to sign Jose 'Fumaca' Antunes, possibly the only Brazilian who could not play football. Fumaca had played for Wadsworth at Colchester and having had unsuccesful trials with a number of lower league clubs was clearly ready to take the step up to the Premier League.

The 1990's saw the import of relatively cheap European players flooding the UK but now those players are no longer cheap so it is no surprise that we are paying through the nose for this bloke.

Fingers crossed.

El Hadji Dwarf

2008-08-06T21:56:00.004+01:00

A few seasons back I went to see the Toon play Liverpool midweek and stayed the night at an Everton mates house. After the game we met up with a mutual Liverpool supporting mate and his friends for a drink near the ground. Apart from drawing attention to me by shouting at the top of their voices that I was a Toon fan to all in the bar it was a good laugh (helped by the fact a certain Mr Shearer somehow managed to help us come away with a late point).

They explained that one of their friends was a PORG (a person of restricted growth). It was his birthday and as a present the lads had chipped in to buy him a new club shirt. As a special treat they decided to put the name of one of the then players on the back. So they gave him a shirt with the name El Hadji Dwarf. .

I wonder if the are many PORG Sunderland fans who might be getting a surprise birthday or Christmas gift, I suppose it will update the Milton Nunez shirts.

I notice that El Hadji Diouf's move has resulted in some rather vitriolic responses from Bolton fans. I guess with enemies like this there is little left for the likes of us to say!

Chim chimeney cherroo

2008-08-06T20:44:00.006+01:00

This amusing video is rather silly to say the least. At least we have not gone for something as stupid as odd dancing ladies yet.

They are dancing like lurverly cockernee Spurs fans...is that Dick Van Dyke at the front?

For f**ks sake

2008-08-04T09:47:00.002+01:00

Here we go again. The NOTW publish some fantasy story about Ashley selling the club to Far Eastern billionaires (they must be running out of people to link the club with soon) and the world and his wife jump on the bandwagon. Our friend Louise Taylor reports that a Newcastle spokesman dismissed it as "absolute rubbish". However she then states "but there is substance" in the story and confidently states "that Ambani, 49, who boasts a personal fortune of £21bn, is believed to be prepared to invest about £100m in new players and hopes that the process of due diligence can begin this week."

Queue the following typical comments "Sources insist" and "Ashley has seemed reluctant to back Newcastle's manager". Pretty standard fair from LT.

Lo and behold and today Reuters publish a statement

"NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Reliance Communications, India's No. 2 mobile operator, on Monday denied reports that it was in talks with English Premier League football club Newcastle United.

Media reports in the U.K. said the club's owner Mike Ashley was in talks with Reliance Communications Chairman Anil Ambani about a 260 million-pound takeover by the Indian billionaire.

"The news report is completely false and baseless. There are no such plans," Reliance Communications said in a statement.

Will we be getting a retraction from Louise then? No, but funnily enough my prediction about the story resurfacing has sdaly come true...

"What we can expect is that in a few months the story will reappear again and they will dredge up these unfounded rumours as fact."

More Moral Outrage

2008-07-31T08:54:00.003+01:00

Surprise surprise The Guardian jumps on the moral bandwagon via Lawrence Donegan today. I guess they decided Louise Taylor could have a day off putting the knife in.

I quite liked the comments made about convicted Journo Rob Shepherd whose career does seem to have been re-established despite a 14 month sentance for attacking a man in a wine bar. I wonder how many of his fellow journalists demanded he be thrown out of the profession at the time?

In a continuing 1990's comedy theme, during a Nicey and Smashie sketch they talk about the issue of Capital punishment. They conclude that the death penalty should only be applicable to murderers of Police and DJ's. Perhaps Journalists are following a similiar moral code over Barton...

More irony than you can shake a stick at!

2008-07-30T19:47:00.004+01:00

I was pondering today about the media discussion over the Nike decision to terminate Barton's contract after his prison stint. Funny how they waited until now to announce it, but anyway the Fiver got there before me over commenting how Nike taking the moral high ground is a bit of a kettle, pot, calling and black situation:

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We have provision in all our sponsorship contracts that take into account any actions by an athlete that brings the brand into disrepute. While Joey is a talented footballer, we cannot condone or accept what he did" - Nike suits explain that they're cancelling Newcastle footballer Joey Barton's £40,000-per-year boot deal because he has a history of mistreating children and violating human rights.

Thank you Rab

2008-07-30T15:33:00.003+01:00

In the comedy series Rab C Nesbitt, Rab and his mates take a holiday to Spain in one episode and Rab spies a Spanish version of himself ranting at nobody in particular in the street. Rab is overcome with emotion that it demonstrates that no matter where you go in the world it is comforting to find someone more of a nutter than you are.

Chris Mackin may not be a nutter but it comforts me that his article on the Barton coverage strikes a chord:

Despite the level of debate rarely rising above the level of taxi driver ramblings, the sheer amount of coverage awarded Joey Barton's release from prison in itself tells a fascinating story. The papers have went positively ga-ga over this one; only the addition of a disappearing canoe or a premium rate phone line scandal could have secured it more reportage. Even the Mirror's very own Cruella De Ville, Sue Carrol, took time out of stern faced moralising and hoarding puppies for their fur (allegedly) to sermonize on the issue in today's column; under the heading ‘Keegan out of Toon with fans' (presumably a stab at a pun despite its dogged refusal to work as a clever piece of word play in any capacity whatsoever) Sue brazenly invited us to consider the ‘groundswell of anger on Tyneside over his return'.

‘Groundswell of anger' may be pushing it. If I'm any sort of reliable representation- and if not and Barton is abused and hounded, at our first home game, I'm prepared to admit I'm out of step with my fellow supporters - you'd have been far more likely to catch Newcastle United supporters recreating the best bits in The Dark Knight or talking about what lovely weather we'd been having recently over this weekend than frothing at the mouth and punching walls in righteous fury over our manager's backing of Barton. It all seems pretty straight forward; Barton isn't the cuddliest of blokes, but he's served his time and his manager seems to think he's earned a second chance. Quite reasonable, I'd suggest, but on the press plough, insisting themselves upon us, forcibly shoving words of discontent into our mouths, we are outraged and appalled and organising mass season ticket burnings for the home friendly against Valencia.

On the face of it, it's tricky to work out why exactly this is such a sexy story for the nation's journalists. Certainly in terms of narrative drive the plot is somewhat bereft of a thrilling lead; Baron ambles around in an air of hazy and unrelenting grey mist, all gaunt features and unkempt hair, visually an exact replica of what would happen if you asked a particularly unskilled child to sculpt a Gallagher brother out of Playdough. In terms of Super villain charisma he's hardly likely to be threatening the major comic book franchises any time soon-he makes the slightly stand-offish man who checked your ticket on the train this morning look like The Joker. And it's not as if the tale has followed any sort of well defined and juicy arc- Barton announced himself as a fairly unpleasant individual with a questionable taste in jumpers and drinking companions during his Manchester City career and has stuck rigidly to that premise since the halcyon days of stubbing out cigars in youth players' eyes. There's been no metamorphic fall from grace here, no dramatic rise then plunge, for Fleet Street's finest to document, it's a fairly bland story, all told, and yet they refuse to leave us alone about it for five minutes and go and bug somebody else for a while.

So we are left with little choice but to deduce their motives have a more sinister slant to them - namely, they are using the Barton issue as another stick in a long and increasingly monotonous series with which to beat Newcastle United. After all, it's been five and a half minutes since the ‘Ashley selling to Bin Laden- this means Wor' headlines and all the side splitting mirth they generated ("Ha! It's Hee-lairious because it trivialises the deaths of thousands!"). That they're doing yet more sneaky muck raking under the intensely patronising pretence of ‘giving the long suffering Toon army a voice' makes the whole thing at least eight hundred times more irritating-they are an interfering neighbour rudely peering into our garden and passing supposedly innocent comment on a tuft of spouting Wild Garlics. Talking in wildly broad and emotive terms, "Barton Breaks out" this and "90% of the fans think he's a thug" that, the media have been at their passive aggressive and manipulative best throughout this story; so devoid of productive input into the debate has their contribution been they may as well have been standing on one leg with a pencil up their nose quoting random snippets of Monty Python dialogue.

For whatever its worth, my take on the issue is give or take, what it was to Lee Bowyer's arrival at Newcastle; I just don't think Barton's talent justifies any moral hand wringing and we're better off not wasting our time with it at all. But if Kevin Keegan thinks Barton deserves another shot then I think it's pretty ace we have such a fair minded and decent bloke managing our team and I'm more than prepared to extend my support to Kev on this issue, if not Barton. And if this puts me at odds with any reactionary and cantankerous Daily Mail columnists desperate for any opportunity to stick their boot into my football club then that makes me feel a bit like a freewheeling anarchist performing ‘God Save The Queen' on ‘Top of the Pops' and sticking to The Man. Which is obviously A Good Thing.

Greyhound position clarified...

2008-07-11T08:10:00.003+01:00

Marcela Mora y Araujo has written an interesting pice in the Guardian regarding our new signing. For once there was not an obvious anti-Toon bias in the article, perhaps Louise Talor is on holiday?

Jonas or El Galgo (the Greyhound) left Vélez Sársfield in 2005 having made a substantial contribution to the club's domestic championship win that season. Jonas went to Real Mallorca in Spain under a contract which stipulated that he would be owned 50% by Vélez and 50% by Mallorca, and that after three years Mallorca would have an option to buy him outright. Failing that, he would return to Vélez - "unless there was a sale to a third club", as Vélez president Alvaro Balestrini told the Argentinian press a month ago.

Last week The Greyhound joined Newcastle United on a five-year contract for an undisclosed fee. Real Mallorca, though, are claiming breach of contract on Jonas' part and are demanding €15m (£12m) in compensation.

Vélez, for their part, are now facing the prospect of losing out on Jonas' "market value increase" and it is understood that their legal team has been in Mallorca planning a joint strategy to present to Fifa. Both clubs want a piece of the action, but the player has cited Article 17 of Fifa's statutes, which states that a player aged between 23 and 28 who has fulfilled three years of his contract can move to another club for "footballing reasons".

The relatively recent Andy Webster ruling provides the precedent which suggests the pay-out to Mallorca could be substantially less than the €15m requested. Hearts demanded what they saw as Webster's full market value when he moved to Wigan, but the Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled the club should be paid the equivalent of the player's salary for the remainder of his contract.

"The transfer market is in a state of transition at the moment, partly because of the Webster ruling,'' says Rory Miller, a football finance expert at the University of Liverpool. "It's very interesting from an academic point of view, because no one really knows what the value of a player in the transfer market is. Because of the Webster case it's very hard to determine the price of a player."

There are additional complications to the Jonas case, says Miller, stemming from the fact that Spanish clubs have recently invoked a buyout clause and that ownership of the player is split between Mallorca and Vélez. According to a source close to Jonas, who wishes to remain unnamed, the agreement between Vélez and Mallorca is a private matter between both clubs. The relevant point here is who holds the player's federative rights (the right to register the player as theirs with football's governing bodies) which in Jonas's case is Mallorca. But back in Argentina, where clubs rely on international sales to an enormous degree, the difference between 50% of €15m and a fraction of Jonas' remaining salary could hurt. A lot.

"Jonas' case is not the only one," says La Nacion editor Daniel Arcucci. "It's like an epidemic here at the moment; [Sebastián] Nayar's move from Boca to Recreativo in Spain is a case in point, to name but one example." Argentina's football economy is extremely dependent on the sale of players, and it is increasingly common to find that players are not owned entirely by one club. Subsequent sales are therefore regarded as much-needed income, as players gain value while they progress from club to club. Since 2003 Argentina has exported 145 forwards to foreign pitches and each of these sales represents a lifeline for the selling clubs.

Whilst the player may be grappled over by lawyers and agents lets hope we can just sit back and enjoy watching the player.

Lunatic who runs this asylum

2008-07-11T07:46:00.003+01:00

Cristiano Ronaldo has apparently agreed with the Fifa president Sepp Blatter's criticism about the way Man Utd had handled his current situation. Blatter had urged United to allow the player to leave and, more controversially, complained that there was "too much modern slavery" in the sport.

Blatter, an honorary member of Real Madrid with close ties to the club's president, Ramón Calderón, had described himself as "very much in sympathy" with Ronaldo and urged United to allow him to leave, suggesting it was otherwise tantamount to slavery. "I agree with what he said," said Ronaldo, when that last point was put to him. "It's true. I agree with what the president of Fifa said. I know what I want and what I would like. We have to see what happens. I do not know where I will begin next season."

Quite how a pampered playboy on over a £100k wages a week can compare themselves to a slave is actually a bit on the offensive side. Especially as we have still actually have people in actual slavery to this day.

Coming from a man whose bright ideas have included dividing the game into quarters and suggesting that women football is full of lesbians this type of comments should be expected. Not that I have ever been sympathetic to either Ronaldo or Man Utd (kettle, pot, black re Carrick/Hargreaves etc) but this all seems somewhat crass.

Credit Crunched

2008-07-07T15:00:00.003+01:00

In an interesting article written by Richard Sharp he reveals a growing number of Premier League fans have had their fill of rising season-ticket prices funding new Ferraris for overpaid primadonnas. They have decided to seek cheaper football thrills further afield.

He gives a number of examples of people going to watch top level German and Spanish football. One Chelsea fan claimed that it cost him £60 for return flight and to stay overnight. With a ticket costing him £5 to get into Borrussia Dortmund that is £65. This compares to the average cost of getting to Chelsea of £108. Comically he also suggests that it is better because you are allowed to stand up and smoke fags, and a bloke with a beer siphon attached to his back will happily refill your glass for £1 a pint. Sounds good to me!

Before everyone starts chucking in their season tickets to jet off to Europe they might want to consider that rising fuel/tax costs could make this less of a bargain in a few years. However, there is no getting away from it Premier League level supporters are heavily charged for the priviledge. And we don't get a beer man...bah!

You can shove yer shoes off for the lads up yer Ar&e..

2008-07-07T13:39:00.003+01:00

Having followed the Toon away from home for well over a quarter of a century I have seen a lot of things, both good and bad. Like all clubs we have attracted our fair share of nutters, hooligans and downright scumbags.

In recent years there has been a shift in Newcastle away support. Whether it is a consequence of the rising cost of away games or that the traditional travelling fanbase has just got to old for it the demograph of away fans now seems very different to the past. Perhaps it is just that I am getting old but I cannot be bothered with the "Shoes off for the toon" lot who now seems to dominate. However, coming accross shameful articles such as this one just makes me want to give up on away games. I simply don't want to be associated with this kind of person. That they allowed this article to be published with such racist language probably says a lot about the organisation it is bannered under.

From sublime to just plane ridiculous

2008-07-06T21:19:00.005+01:00

The Sunday Mail has revealed exclusively that the Saudi Binladen Group, a wealthy construction company run by the family of terrorist Osama bin Laden, has emerged as a shock front-runner to buy Newcastle United.

The paper revealed that representatives of the company are believed to have been in Newcastle in recent weeks for preliminary talks and to examine in detail the St James Park site's potential for transformation into a huge retail, leisure and luxury accommodation development.

The paper reveals that it has plans to possibily knock down the iconic stadium and building a new one on the outskirts of the city because of complications related to the location of the metro station.

So, let me get this right. According to the Mail Ashley is touting the club around for a quick sale, with the suggestion that it will be sold as a lucrative development site to the Bin Laden family. You could not make this up....or could you??!!

Taking a closer look at the article we see the following quotes:

"a source with links to the club claimed last night"

= I made this up in the pub as I needed a story for my Editor
"Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has been dogged by rumours, always denied, that he wishes to sell the club ever since his takeover just over a year ago"
= there is no truth in this story

"However, last night a private investment company from America, InterMedia Partners, confirmed reports that they had been approached by a third party about buying the club."

= There have been a number of investers interested in buying the club over the last year, one set of investors has approached another set of investors to discuss the possibility. This does not mean Ashley or his representatives are doing the talking.

"Although the offices of SBG in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, were open yesterday, there was no one in authority available to comment on the speculation."

= They had better things to be doing than talk to some addled journo.

"Last night a spokesman for Ashley would say only: 'No comment.'"

= They had better things to be doing than talk to some addled journo.

"Representatives of the company are believed to have been in Newcastle in recent weeks for preliminary talks and to examine in detail the site's potential for transformation into a huge retail, leisure and luxury accommodation development."

= a development company have looked at a site, well I "believe" they did, I don't know.

"At the turn of the year, it is understood that his brokers, Kaupthing, mentioned while discussing other business with representatives of Dubai International Capital, that a minority stake in Newcastle might be available."

= Ashley's company is discussing business with DIC, Newcastle is one of his businesses, Newcastle could be a business opportunity to invest in for DIC. Therefore DIC has been offered Newcastle to buy by Ashley...."it is understood" means nobody we know was actually at the meeting but lets make up a probable discussion that could have happened, well it is more interesting if we suggest it happened this way.

I honestly don't know if Ashley is or is not interested in selling the club or else getting other investors in. I have never soken to the bloke. My gut feeling is that he is in it for the long haul, or he may be looking at bringing in other investors to help fund future changes. However, whatever I think has as much credence as Daniel King or any other journo. They have not spoken to Ashley either. Ashley does not talk to the media, and especially the business media. They hate him for it.

As a footnote this is what King wrote on the 7th June about Barton:

"But the Newcastle hierarchy, led by owner Mike Ashley, executive director Dennis Wise and vice-president Tony Jimenez, are not happy and could move to dismiss the player even before the case begins on June 30. Newcastle feel the forthcoming trial will further tarnish the club's image and the fall-out from the incident with former France star Dabo will hinder their attempts to sign French-speaking players. France and St Etienne striker Bafetimbi Gomis, now at Euro 2008, was the latest to reject them."

So they obviously got all this right then, Barton has been sacked and all French-speaking players are up in arms. They must have got it from the horses mouth...

Billy Liar

2008-07-05T08:05:00.003+01:00

In the Billy Liar story Billy is a lazy, irresponsible young clerk in provincial Northern England who lives in his own fantasy world and makes emotionally immature decisions as he alienates friends and family.

In the Guardian Louise Taylor is a lazy irresponsible "Journalist" who lives in her own fantasy world and makes up emotionally immature stories. Newcastle bad, Roy Keane good. She is back. In the Guardian she once again dredges up heresay and rumour. This time the chestnut that Ashley is about to sell the club.

"it was understood"

"It was said that"

"there have been unconfirmed suggestions"

Great insight Louise, great insight. Especially as the club have said it is "absolute nonsense".

Where did this story come from? Why it was front page of the Sun. This is just a pathetic. No further comment required.

Ironically the day before the paper probably got the situation right.

In the past, the word from St James' Park has always been that Ashley is building for a sustained future and is not looking to make a quick profit and then get out. However, that has not stopped repeated talk in the City, and now further afield, that the business is for sale at the right price.

What this says to me is that if someone offers him silly money he would sell. Everyone has his price. However, he is not seeking to sell and the fact that he "may" have put a silly price on the club merely indicates he is probably taking the pish out of them. He is after all disliked by the business media and I suspect this is the reason we continue to see these rumours dredged up.

Its the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine

2008-06-29T10:21:00.003+01:00

Wengers comments this week that he could see 'the end of transfer fees' was given extra pertinance over the signing of Jonás Gutiérrez.

Qouoted in the Guardian Wenger suggests "Fifa regulations allowed a player who agreed his contract when under the age of 28 to terminate it after three seasons 'without just cause' as long as he informs his club of his intention to do so and pays appropriate compensation. Though the level of such damages went unspecified, the test case that followed Andy Webster's decision to use the rule to leave Hearts for Wigan in 2006 determined that sum as the outstanding value of a player's contract (in the Scotland defender's case, £150,000).

The result, according to Wenger, is that a modern footballer's contract effectively secures a player's services for just two seasons, regardless of the length formally agreed in the paperwork. 'After two years you have to renegotiate your contract because after three years the player can move out,' Wenger says. 'You give longer contracts because it offers a little bit of protection for the player to have to pay compensation if he moves after three years - if you give a player a five-year contract and he moves after three, he has to pay two years' [wages].

'But, after two years, you have to re-negotiate with the player because he can move the next season; you have no choice. For me, this measure is inflationary. Why? Because after two years you have to sit down with the player, whether he has played well or not, or you will lose him. You can never get him to sign an extension to his contract for less - that means you will always have to increase his salary. They have created a situation where inflation goes through the roof.'"

It appears in this case we are the beneficiaries of this change. Although for Jonas there is a further complication in that it appears his former club appears to be claiming some ownership. The suggestion is his move to Mallorca might actually have been a loan. South American transfers always seem to be fraught in terms of ownership and contracts. It does not appear that the club have done anything wrong over this deal but what it does indicate is that at some point in the future we will get stung over a player leaving. It also signals that more cash is going to go into players and their parasitic agents pockets. The real losers will probably be the lower league clubs who could be set to miss out on transfer fees in the future.

He's lost his tomfoolery...

2008-06-23T15:33:00.013+01:00

For me Pele was always an iconic football figure as I grew up in the 1970's. Too young to appreciate the 1970 World Cup final at the time, I remember looking back mid-decade and drooling over the Carlos Alberto goal and that sublime assist from Pele. I guess watching the likes of Nulty, Barrowclough, and Canell was not quite enough for a young kid with dreams of watching greatness in a Black and White shirt....not that the dreams lasted very long, not by the time I had watched a season of Bobby Shinton playing up front anyway.

Since his retirement Pele has enjoyed an interesting time in the media, and his views on all things football are still sought regularly. His appearance on Escape to Victory and on adverts for a certain male dysfunction spring to mind (if you pardon the pun). However, it is his recent run in with robbers in Brazil which demonstrates that Pele is human after all. Armed with pistols and knives a group took a gold necklace, phone and a watch.

Brazil is a lovely country but everyone who I speak to who has been there suggests that in Brazil we are all at the very big mercy of armed robbers. My own experience happened a few years back when I went to Rio just before Carnival. I travelled over with a mate Dave and was joined by another, Glassy, a few days later. Prior to Glassys arrival Dave and I had spent a few pleasant days sipping drinks overlooking Copacabana beach and Sugar Loaf Mountain in what is a breathtakingly beautiful city. We had even stumbled around late at night, somewhat worse for wear and despite all this we had never had a hint of any "bother", not even strolling across the beach at midnight caused us to fear for our lives.

This sense of security should have started to unwind as by the day before Glassy arrived things started to get a bit strange. Sat in a bar overlooking Copacabana beach we noticed that two tables up a man and a woman started to argue and she moved to the table next to us in tears as the bloke she had sat with got up and left in a hurry. "How.." we comforted her with, "What's wrong...you tell us, go on, you can trust us, we are Doctors"! At that she sat up and looked at us with a happy smiling face.Well, we thought at least we have made someones day. She looked at us both and said "You are Doctors? Then you must cut off my ears."

Now, that is not exactly something which you hear every day. We quietly explained that we were only able to practice medicine three miles out at sea in international waters as we had been struck off for medical negligence some years ago.

This did not put a stop to her. "But you must cut off my ears. Please..."

We further explained that we could not possibly conduct an earoctimy as we had had a few drinks and it would not be right.

Opening her bag to show us she had a good supply of gauze and disinfectant she replied "You cut my ears off, we can then have sex". It was indeed a very tempting offer, and had we had a few more beers cutting her ears off might have kick started a new career as Brazilian plastic surgeons but this situation had become a bit weird, even for us. Making our excuses we followed her friend and did a runner whilst she went off to buy some sharp knives around the corner.

When Glassy arrived we ended up on a big drinking session and late into the evening the combination of jet lag and excessive drink was beginning to take its effect on the lad and as a way of perking him up we had a stroll along the Copacabana. The beach was lit and after a week of no trouble we thought nothing of a stroll. You could after all see all around you and there was nobody in sight.

After a few minutes suddenly a gang of youths "appeared" out of the sand and jumped up with knives at people's throats etc. I can only think that they must have been lying in wait for ages, hoping for some tourists to walk by. What we should have done was hand over our bags etc and thought at least we have got away with our lives. What followed was in fact a slow motion fight scene as they were wrestled with and as Dave said "Boot him" to me I took a running kick at one of them and caught him squarely on the chin. Wearing big boots I thought there was no way he would get up from that, but to my horror he jumped up and took a martial arts style foot swing at me. Jumping backwards to avoid the kick I fell to the ground and he pounced, grabbed my bag and ran off as I stupidly gave chase - like I was gonna catch a fit young Brazilian lad! Meanwhile, the bloke on Glassy gave up and did a runner after Glassy decided to use the tactic of simply ignoring him and his knife wielding nastiness until he went away.

Walking to the local Police check point we found the local plod returning to his watch point with a kebab. He had clearly decided to go on a break an left the locals a clear run at us. We were driven to the Police station where we interviewed by the local Police Chief. In the station was a Kid Creole of Kid Creole and the Coconuts lookalike, who had also been robbed that night and who was trying to explain to his credit card company that perhaps his special "friend" who had nicked it might not be totally honest.

The Police Chief informed us that there had been quite a few robberies in that area that night, probably due to the Carnival coming soon and that it was attracting a lot of strange people into town. I said" Look, I am not a criminologist but do you not think that given the influx of nutters and the increase in tourists into this area that has resulted in an increase in crime you might want to consider increasing police presence or at least stop them going for kebab breaks?"

He looked at me, and I realised I might have overstepped the mark.

"Good point Sir", he replied.

I somehow think that the chances of Pele getting his bling back are about as good as me getting into plastic surgery...

The Strange case of José Enrique Sánchez Díaz?

2008-06-21T17:25:00.007+01:00

Valencia born Enrique began at Levante and had a season on loan at Celta Vigo before enjoying a successful 2006/07 season with Villarreal. He was signed by BFS back in August 2007 as we allegedly saw off competition from Liverpool and Man City.

Towards the end of last season Enrique seemed to attract some criticism, mainly I have to say from some media pundits. We were being linked with a number of left backs at the time and rumours suggested he might well be on his way back to Spain. I for one think it would be a big mistake to lose out on what could be a good player for the Toon in years to come.

In todays Ronnie Gill John Beresford is quoted as assessing him as a good prospect for the club. I would agree that competition for any position is a good thing and I think that buying cover would be good for his development.I have to say I quite liked the look of him. He puts in a lot of effort (unlike a certain other Spanish defender signed under Gullit) and he seems to have plenty of skill shown by an odd few "showboat" moves in the last few games of the season.

Known in Spain as "The Bull" due to his tough style of defending, he is highly regarded in Spain. Of course moving to a new country and setting into the EPL is not easy for many players so next year will hopefully see him settled and playing regularily as his football education progesses.

What really caught my eye was seeing him warming up at half time a few times. Throughout the session he never stopped animatedly rabbiting on to the other subs and the coaching staff who just looked on bemused. Who knows what he was actually saying, but it suggests that he is possibly a character/nutter. And that has to be a good thing in my book!!

Proof that hate is stronger than love...or something like that

2008-06-18T16:52:00.001+01:00

Cannot blame em!

Moving around the deckchairs

2008-06-18T12:06:00.008+01:00

The close season means most clubs will see changes in players and some in backroom staff. Whilst this close season has seen a number of players out of the door already there has been no corresponding moves into the club of playing staff yet. Whilst this may be worrying given the paper thin nature of the squad the fact that most transfer activity seems to be happening in the pages of newspapers rather than the real world kind of suggests we should not be in a panic...at least not yet. Not many players have actually moved in the EPL at all yet and it is clear that the club have been used via the media by Agents to get their clients big new contracts in a few cases (aka Ashton I suspect).

More interesting are the changes which have happened in senior backroom staff at the club. The departure of Mort has seen the appointment of Derek Llambias in the new role of Managing Director. There have been suggestions that Ashley will now be taking on a more hands-on role, so could he be about to become chairman I wonder? This might make Keegan happy as he would have a more direct route into Ashley. Clearly the media have presented the new management structure in a very critical way which probably says more about their ignorance of what is really going on. The proof of the pudding really will now be in the tasting as it were with this window offering the new management structure the opportunity to deliver.

Quite what our buying strategy is remains to be revealed. Clearly there is a longer term suggestion that we will be acquiring young and developing more than in the past. To complement this there must be some sound purchases for short term gain. Unfortunately this is no longer as easy as in the past where you could pick up some quality cheap players on the continent. Such players are no longer cheap and therefore are they worth the risk if they fail to adapt quickly?

It seems unlikely that we will see the transfer strategy based around the Spurs recruitment of a few years ago (buy every vaguely good English midfield prospect on the market), or the Sunderland strategy (buy every Irish/Ex-Man Utd Player Keane knows) or even the bizarre West Ham option (buy every player they can on massive wages for a year, preferably from Newcastle).

We clearly don't have the resource to fund vast change, but a couple of good buys would indicate the club is in the right direction. And as a supporter some sort of progress is the very least you need to see. So it is a case of watch this transfer space....

Suits you sir

2008-06-14T09:02:00.005+01:00

Allegedly Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley is determined to push through plans to have his players pay for their own club suits. The billionaire Toon supremo has already started to slash the wage bill to cut costs. He will also review perks like match day clobber, mobile phone and petrol costs.
It is estimated the club spend about £20,000 a season for the players' designer outfits. Not really the news that most Toon fans were hoping for during transfer window but I guess as season ticket renewals drop on through the letterbox it sends a message out that handing over your reddies to the club at least now suggests it is not being frittered away on the spoilt rich kids at the club.

Course, if they take costs directly from their pay packet I doubt the deductions would even be noticed by the majority of the millionaires. If they had any sense they could probably offset it against tax anyway.

Have they switched on the "random" fixture computer yet?

2008-06-09T13:38:00.007+01:00

Next seasons fixtures (or rather preliminary fixtures, subject to drastic change) are due to be published on Monday.

In years gone by there were often published lists of supposed fixtures circulated by fans ahead of publication. More often than not they turned out to be total bumpkin but it was all part of the fun.

We are told that the fixtures are generated on a random basis - presumably with some parameters built in such as the Toon not playing at home as the same time as the Mackems etc. However, the thought that the PL boffins stand around inputting a set of parameters into the computer, push a button and stand back and watch a random set of fixtures is surely a lie?

How else could the various super sundays happen? How come we have played the same teams at more or less the same time each year over the years? How come we have not had a home game on Boxing Day for years? If these things happen by chance then I would like the PL computer to choose my lottery numbers please.

Mystic Meg predictions for Monday? We will play Chelsea at home towards the end of the season. We will get an away game for the first game, followed by a home game mid week, probably agaianst somebody who will be playing in Europe. We will play in the North West on Boxing day (Mackems to play at home against someone like Hull). We will play a London club away between Xmas and New Year. We will play the Mackems in August/Early Sept and then in April.

Course, I could be wrong....and it could just be random..

Lags Eleven

2008-06-08T11:13:00.013+01:00

After the conviction of Joey "ASBO" Barton, I started thinking about whether the Toon had a lags eleven of players arrested and/or convicted over the years.

Here is what I came up with:

Jonathan "Budgie" Burridge (convicted and fined for dealing in counterfeit leisure wear)
Wareen "Zico" Barton (arrested for Grand Theft Auto with Rob Lee)Rob Lee (arrested for Grand Theft Auto with Warren Barton)
Wes Saunders (nicking gloves)
Mickey Quinn (drink driving, amongst other motoring offences)
Duncan Ferguson (GBH)
Craig Bellamy (various Assualts)
Kieran Dyer (Urinating in street, indecent exposure, driving offences)
Titus Bramble (running away after crashing his car at a t-junction)
Chris Holland (drugs)
Oivier Bernard (alleged sex with minor, not charged I have to add!)
Hughie Gallagher (Bankruptcy,illegal payments, drunkenness, assault of child)
Damien Duff (speeding)
Amdy Faye (fraud)
Paul Gascoigne (D&D, DV, assault etc)
Carl Cort (DV)
Andy Cole (DV)
Keith Gillespie (alledged Rape)
Joey Barton (assault)
Dennis Wise (assault and Taxi damages, alleged Blue Peter garden, never charged tho!)
Les Ferdinand (alleged Blue Peter garden, never charged tho!)
Jonathan Woodgate (assault)
Lee Bowyer (assault, driving offences)
Lomana LuaLua (DV)
Matty Pattison (half naked driving while drunk)
Tino Asprilla (gun crimes)
Patrick Kluivert (murder)
Daniel Cordone (drugs)
Malcolm Allen (Drink driving)

Quite a list. I am sure there are plenty more. At the back of my mind there is a thought that I am missing some fairly obvious ones, especially the 70's characters - any ideas?!

Lets party like its 1994...

2008-06-05T15:06:00.005+01:00

I thought it was just me but I was starting to find the media coverage of the coming Euro 2008 tournament getting somewhat annoying. Why are we constantly being challenged in TV adverts and in newspapers articles to make a decision over which foreign team we should support through the competition? Clearly in the absence of England playing in the finals the media are finding it difficult to whip up the normal pre-tournament hysteria. Thankfully a lack of England presence mans we are saved the sight of various muppets flying England flags etc from cars for weeks during the summer until the national team fail again and we might actually get to see some decent football now the perennial cloggers are off the scene.

Back in 1994 England had of course failed to qualify for the world cup, and I spent the tournament quite happily watching the games and the experience was not spoilt by England's absence because I was happy just to enjoy the football. As it happened the house next door to mine was being rented by a group of young female Korean students who were absolutely obsessed with their national team and were great fun, so we stayed up late at night watching their games. It was not the best football I had ever seen in an international tournament but it was not the worst and lets face it would watching Carlton Palmer stumble round the states have made it any better?

Great minds think alike (although fools seldom differ) and I was pleased to read yesterday the Martin Samuel column where he echoed my thoughts. As Samuel concludes

"I will travel to Austria and Switzerland with equally high hopes because any tournament that pits Holland against Italy, France against Romania, Spain against Russia, the Czech Republic against Portugal, Croatia against Germany, Holland against France and Romania against Italy in the space of five days has more than a little going for it. And this is merely the group stage, remember. It gets better in the knockout. Who to shout for? Let the game unfold. There will be one side who deserve it more. Cheer for them. If you like football, you'll always end up with a team."

Or even better, as Frank Skinner suggests, rather than going for a country you want to support go for one to hate instead.

"What I’m suggesting is a sort of anti-support policy. England fans, rather than selling their souls to another team, should pick a national team they don’t like and put their energies into wanting them to lose.

You may have all sorts of grudges, not only players who get on your nerves. A rubbish national anthem, voting patterns in the Eurovision Song Contest, a holiday romance you’re taking antibiotics for — anything you choose. So, for example, you could think that Ronaldo is a lovely fellow but still decide to anti-support Portugal because they keep beating us on penalties and their police have been a bit pernickety with the Tapas Nine.

While this approach is based on negative feelings such as jealousy, rage and spitefulness, it still seems more acceptable, on moral grounds, than supporting another team.

As I say, I am above all of it. Let football be the winner."

Well said Frank.

The cockernees don't like us...and we don't care

2008-06-05T12:49:00.009+01:00

I was working in London this week and picked up a free copy of the insidious Cockney Pravda rag the Standard to read on the train back to civilisation last night.

Reading the sport section I was drawn to an article about a survey commissioned by the Rag on attitudes of London club fans. I was surprised to see in the section "Which other English club do you dislike the most?" that Newcastle is in fact the third most hated club...by Spurs fans. Most of the other clubs hatred for clubs outside their local rivals you can understand - Chelsea dislike of Liverpool reflecting games in recent years, clubs like Leyton Orient developing a new hatred of Leeds after having to play them in recent times etc. But quite why Spurs hate us is an interesting one. The other clubs hatred is fairly as you would expect - Fulham/Chelsea, Spurs/Arsenal (interestingly Spurs hate Arsenal the most but Arsenal hate Chelsea more), Charlton/Palace etc

Quite what we have done to infuriate the Spurs fans remains a mystery. I have always found Spurs to be a bit of a strange bag, with visits to White Hart Lane peppered with comedy uber cockney cliches mixed with witnessing some violent scuffles over the years (including an incident on the train to the FA Cup semi-final when one Spurs fan made the mistake of insulting a female Toon fan and was promptly thrown over a table and held down, but he did deserve it). It is a bit of a dump but I don't think I could muster any great dislike for them. Having said that the last time I went to WHL my seat was alongside the home fans and I had cause to take a photo of some of the cheeky cockneys (or should we call them by what this means - small misshapen eggs) who were hoying coins at us while our friends in the Met stood by oblivious.

It made me think about which clubs I really hate. Outside our local friends down the road, strangely my dislike of clubs has probably changed a little over the years. A lot of my club prejudices were based on experience at travelling to away games or bumping into their fans on public transport over the years. Perhaps because I gave up going to Old Trafford a few years ago my dislike of Man Utd has actually waned a bit. However, my utter hatred of Chelsea, brewed up over years of utter contempt for the club, for Master Bates, for their awful celeb fans, for the extortionate ticket prices, for some of the worse stewarding I have experienced (for about three years running I was threatened with being thrown out of the place, even the last time I went I was in trouble with them for calling the place a sh*thole) for the utter dump of a stadium (and it still is a dump) and for David Mellor has only got worse since the Russian mafia took over.

Years ago I lived in Southfields in David Mellors then constituency of Putney. During the 1992 Election I got off the tube and was walking home when round the corner came a gurning Mellor, with his cronies and minders as he went on walkabout to press the flesh. Publicly I find Mellor an odious Tory twat, whose opinions on football have as much resonance as his horrible political views. I saw him lurching towards me and as I was about to summon up my best Oscar Wilde wit to put him down (well, ok - I was about to tell him to f off) he was quickly bundled off by his security as a group of youths jumped in front of me an called him a wanker. Bah!

However, if you also hate Mellor try this!!!

Tale of violence sickens me

2008-05-19T12:18:00.008+01:00

This week saw a story emerge of some sickening violence by a family well known to the football world. No, not the court room revelations about how a group of scousers (and lets face it we all know one or two who like a good few biffs) gave another group of scousers a good slap.

No, I am talking about the 63 year old ex-England coach Graham Taylor who revealed in the Times that he had on occasion had recourse to physically assault his grandson.

Taylor, best known for his japery as England coach which resulted in the National team missing the 94 World Cup finals in USA, admitted he had had cause to attack his young grandson in the family home.

Taylor explains:

“Stuart, my son-in-law, is a Manchester United fan and, while I don’t want to upset Sir Alex Ferguson, I maintain that he never told me that when he came to ask for my daughter Karen’s hand or else I’d have declined his request,” Taylor joked. “As a consequence, Jake became a United fan, David Beckham his hero. I’d bought two goals for my back garden and, when we were playing, I have to admit that the sight of that No 7 and the name Beckham would encourage me to tackle him illegally. I do remember one particularly malicious tackle that warranted a straight red card. There were a few tears and I did get in trouble with my daughter, though I argued it’s all part of growing up."

Mr Turnip Head then revealed:

"Then he became Cristiano Ronaldo and, about a year ago, I went to tackle him again. Before I had even touched him, down he went. It was blatant cheating! He should have been sent off for diving."

I can sympathise with the sentiment of being disappointed about finding out your grandson is a Man Utd fan, but you would have thought Taylor might have done some research before allowing his daughter to marry someone of such questionable character in the first place. Then again, he did play Carlton Palmer in the England Team.

Don't blame me

2008-05-13T07:04:00.002+01:00

I had to have a chortle at the comments from Franck Queudrue in response to Birmingham co-owner David Sullivans suggestion that;

"I'd have liked to have said last summer, when the manager was buying players, 'You are buying a pile of rubbish," added Sullivan, who singled out Franck Queudrue as "a major disappointment" and described Richard Kingson, the third-choice goalkeeper, as a "waste of space".

Queudrue defended himself with;
"Queudrue, a £2m signing from Middlesbrough who started only 14 games for them last season, retorted: "I didn't get enough games. He says he can name a list [of rubbish players] so I want to see the list and who's on there. I didn't play so I don't know how to take that."

It reminded me of a comment from Furness College inebriate Stanley Neil Orange Peel Metcalf on the occassion of his debut for the football team. The Lancaster Uni college team played in the North Lancashire league and by Easter always had a crippling fixture congestion to get through at the same time that students were away for the break. In order to avoid a fine from teh league some hastily arranged games were filled with the odd student who could be dragged out of the halls of residence and made to play. In one particular game the team were 10-0 down at half time, and despite a rallying call from the captain during the half-time fag break they were beaten 26-0. After the match the lads trapsed towards the bar as recriminations started.

Stanley Neil turned round and said "You can't blame me, I never touched the ball." He played centre half.

Money makes the football world go around

2008-05-12T15:50:00.010+01:00

In February I wrote an article about how back in 1994 I predicted on Sky Sports that the economic dominance of the top division would create an increasingly bigger gap between the PL and the lower divisions. The bloated cash cow of top level football in England now means that the gap between the PL and the Championship has now grown so big that estimates put the cost of relegation at somewhere around a staggering £42m.

This gap is now mirrored between the haves and have not in the Premier League. In the 2006-07 season Man Utd earned a further £28.9m from Champions League participation, meaning that their income (excluding gate money from Old Trafford, merchandise sales or income from club sponsorship deals)totalled £62.92m. In that year Spurs finished fifth in the earnings league, at £30.55m. So, Man Utd earned double the income of Spurs. They also earned three times the income of Wigan. This stark gap is shown in the table below:

INCOME AS A PERCENTAGE OF MAN UTD EARNINGS
ManUtd 100.00%
Chelsea 95.60%
Liverpool 86.95%
Arsenal 70.15%
Tottenham 48.47%
Everton 40.80%
Bolton 39.91%
Reading 38.81%
Portsmouth 37.30%
Blackburn 39.22%
AstonVilla 35.28%
Middlesbrough 34.71%
Newcastle 35.73%
ManCity 35.58%
WestHam 33.36%
Fulham 33.03%
Wigan 29.72%
SheffUtd 28.80%
Charlton 28.80%
Watford 28.58%

With only Newcastle, Blackburn and Everton (who failed to qualify for the League stage) ever breaking up the oligarchy it is hardly surprising that year in year out the growing gap between the rest of the league and the top four has got bigger and bigger as year after year the big boys have more cash to splash. This is exactly what the CL was designed to do - provide perpetual money and dominance for the "top" clubs in each big league (England, Spain, Germany and Italy) and a virtual guarantee of it as long as th eclubs don't stuff up.

Despite Spurs investing a net £40.5m this season, they could only manage a mid-table finish (and I guess a Cup) but nowhere near the CL places. Sunderland invested a net £41m which at least got them a place in next years PL. Pompey and Man City hoyed out around £33m net each to reach the upper part of the league.

Arsenal are the team which probably bucks this trend in terms of the fact that they have not spent as much as the rest and rely on cheap developments and sound management. However, how long this can go on for before they eventually trip up and fall out of the CL remains to be seen. The teams below the top four can probably only wait and hope for Arsenal or another to slip up.

This is what I think Keegan was trying to say when he said the PL was becoming boring. It has become tediously predictable at the top, no arguement from me. In an end of season post match pint discussion we wondered what could be done to liven things up and perhaps give other teams a chance. We came up with the solution of changing the fourth CL spot into a play-off. Perhaps we could have fourth to seventh playing each other, with the winner in the CL and runner-up the UEFA spot. Not a revolutionary idea, but it might make a more interesting story for any clubs lucky enough to get into 7th and above.

The reality is that to make up the gap would take a vast investment, with the financial risk significant if success does not follow. For a club like Newcastle in the current climate and without European football we can only attract the best players by paying over the odds and obviously even that does not guarantee they will come. Clearly players are opting for lower pay in London. If the rumours - and they are only rumours - are true and that the club are considering a pay ceiling of £80k a week then that makes business sense I guess. West Ham are doing the same, pulling back from paying expensive wages and developing young players. Even down the road at Boro Steve Gibson said last year that the town would get the club that they deserved in terms of signings which reflected what the business could now afford based on the commercial fanbase etc. A youth development orientated club peppered with some signings has now been put in place.

We should have invested in the squad during the summer before we last qualified for the CL. Under Fat Fred we were told there was nothing in the coffers (there are of course rumours about what really happened to the cash). When we lost out in the CL qualifiers on penalties it was a disaster which the club never recovered from and we have been paying for this mistake ever since. Ashley has made the club solvent and cleared our debts. It looks like the trophy signings of the Fat Fred era are to be a thing of the past with a model based upon youth development instead as the club will be run as a business. If we are honest without the big cash injection from the CL (or if Ashley really did go mental with his cash) we are kidding ourselves if we think we can be anything different.

It is a harsh and sobering thought, but perhaps we need to take this reality check and settle for what the majority of the PL have.

Gutter journalist travels to the end of the bar....

2008-05-10T15:24:00.007+01:00

Step forward Colin Young of the esteemed publication and renowned fountain of truth the Daily Mail.
.
Clearly Colin was also sitting in on the meeting with Louise Taylor (see below). No doubt having had a good afternoon session in the pub he managed to completely make up a story just in time for publication instead of actually doing his job as a journalist Not only was he party to the fact that....
"Ashley called for an end to the civil war tearing the club apart as Keegan emerged from an, at times, heated four-hour showdown with his job intact"

...but also he happens to know as fact that
"the manager was told that money for transfers is tight and that captain Owen will see his current £120,000-a-week pay slashed by £2m a year if he wants a new contract to start in a year's time..So far, after six weeks of talks, the two sides have failed to negotiate a new deal. His prospective pay cut amounts to £2m a year."

This must come as a surprise to Owen, his representatives and the club as Keegan revealed on Monday that no negotiation had taken place AT ALL for the last six weeks. Still, why make facts get in the way of a made up story eh.

Colin, I happen to know that Jimmy Hendrix and Elvis actually both work in a fish gutting factory in Hartlepool. Publish that in yer pipe. Now I am off down the pub.

Gutter Journalist travels to Fantasy Island

2008-05-10T15:07:00.003+01:00

In todays Guardian the LT article has the following quotes. Clearly she must have actually been in the meeting in London as surely this cannot have been made up?

Here is some examples of how really good a journalist Louise Taylor is.

"there were suggestions that he could possibly be sacked"

"who is believed to have offered Ashley an apology"

"it is understood that there were flashpoints and moments of real tension"

"when they have appeared to be engaged"

"Ashley was reportedly angered"

"are said to have been"

"Keegan has spent several weeks persuading his board to open such negotiations"

So here we have it, a whole article made up of heresay, rumour and innuendo which has negative suggestion throughout. Is this the level of journalism we expect from a quality newspaper? Can we please get coverage which gives us a real insight into issues and analysis, not the views of somebody who has spoken to some bloke down the pub.

This is just pathetic.

Clearly she had to provide some story for the paper, so instead of a balanced assessment based upon known facts she resorted to making up a story. Whatever the truth about Keegan, his relationship with Mort/Ashley and the meeting clearly LT has simply decided to make up a story once again.

Here are the facts. No details were revealed of what was discussed in the meeting, which took place in the Fleet Street offices of the law firm Freshfields - who Mort works for. Keegan, Mort and Ashley were all later spotted at Friday night's Sir Bobby Robson charity dinner held in SJP. The rest is pure fantasy island.

three out of ten cats...

2008-05-05T09:15:00.005+01:00

According to the Observer the Toon have had three of the worst managers of all time, including the worst one ever.

So who is in this walk of shame? Well Will Hersey suggests it is:

In at number one

As a player, his name struck fear into opponents. As a manager, he has been more terrifying for his own clubs. Nearly two decades of sackings and disappointment after his success at Rangers, Souness, remarkably, still rates himself as one of the big guns. He spent nearly £50m on a relegation battle at Newcastle, and told Deco he wasn't going to cut it at Benfica - replacing him with Sheffield Wednesday's Mark Pembridge - but it's at Liverpool where the wrecking ball did most damage. Britain's most successful club are still recovering today. Souness doesn't so much lose the dressing room as rarely find it to start with.

In at number four

Christian Gross was perhaps the most comical Tottenham manager (brandishing a Tube ticket at his first press conference), but statistically Alan Sugar's appointment of the Argentine club legend (Gross averaged 1.31 points per game, Ardiles 1.15) was worse. In 1994, his second season, Ardiles revealed his masterstroke - the one-man midfield and five-man front-line - and blindly stuck to his plan despite shipping 33 goals in 15 games. Tottenham have since become known for having decent players who never achieve anything. Thank Ossie.

And our final former boss at number six

The League is littered with regretful chairmen who decided to put the assistant in charge. Steve Wigley at Southampton and Les Reed at Charlton take some beating in an overcrowded field, but it requires extra-special skill to take down a squad containing David James, Joe Cole, Fredi Kanouté, Paolo Di Canio and Jermain Defoe, as Roeder did at West Ham in 2003. Then again, when you consider his 'train guard announcing planned engineering works' impression at post-match interviews, it's not so surprising that West Ham didn't win a home league game for five months.

Suicide is painless...until you wake up in the morning

2008-05-03T21:21:00.010+01:00

Its the end of the season, and our last home game is nigh. Traditionally the season is seen off with a flourish and apart from the last half dozen games it will be good to see the end of this year.

Having changed pre-match pubs we now drink ridiculously close to my turnstile so the old routine of having a "suicide" pint at 2:45 has become a little redundant. However, no doubt this game will see the Sui resurrected in spirit form. The pre-match sui spirit is particularly painful, but has had its uses in terms of blotting out games over the last few years. No doubt we will end up consuming some ridiculous spirit again this year. There is, however, one spirit which I will be giving a very wide berth.

A few years ago I had an "unusual" experience in Mexico with the local firewater. It was probably not the most sensible day of our trip when upon arriving at the Mexican City of Oaxca with my two fellow Amigos we immediately retreated to the nearest bar. At least this ensured we would escape from the health damaging effects of the sun and heat. Instead we got stuck into the local delicacy of spiced crickets and washed them down with as much cheap beer as we could get our hands on.

Enjoying the atmosphere, and leaving aside the sightseeing and the local pyramids and tombs at Monte Albarn for another day, we lurched towards another bar. Entering via the Wild West style swing doors we stumbled to the men only bar and ordered three beers and three mexcal chasers, the locally produced firewater that we had heard was pretty good and supposedly had mild hallucinogenic properties. The barman served us our chasers from a big glass bottle containing cactus plants that were swimming in a strange liquid. In for a penny, in for a peso we thought and knocked them back.

The mexcal tasted a bit like rough tequila, and I guess we should have taken note that some of the locals were acting a little bizarre after drinking it. But, enjoying the moment we sat and drank another seven beers with chasers. Things then got a bit sketchy.

The next thing we can remember was that we were sitting in a totally different place, which turned out to be a ranch bar about ten miles outside the city. A sleazy looking fellow was trying to coax a girl to dance on our table and beers and mexcal were being thrust into our hands. Trying to appear like we knew where we were, why we were there and how we got there I walked to the toilets and past the gun-toting fellows at the bar. Coming out of the toilets, and after hearing them say "Gringos, blah, blah, blah, Gringos…" I realised it was time to get out of dodge! We left as soon as decency allowed and hailed a taxi back to our hotel, much to our collective relief.

The next thing I could then recall was waking in a standing position in a place that was completely dark. As I felt around myself I realised that I was in a small box-like place. Given that we were near, I logically assumed that I had somehow been teleported into the centre of one of the nearby pyramids or tombs. My mexcal-induced logic told me that if I had been teleported into a tomb, all I had to do to get out would be to repeat the teleport process. So I closed my eyes and once again drifted out of consciousness fully expectant that I would awake back at a safe place.

I was very disappointed when I awoke to find myself still stood inside of the tomb and just as a state of utter panic was due to set in I noticed a faint hint of light behind me and walked slowly towards it. As I bumped into the door of our hotel bathroom I realised that far from being teleported into a tomb, I had actually just walked into the bathroom, failed to find the light switch and had just fallen into a light sleep while standing in the middle of the floor. With a sense of immense relief, if not embarrassment, I was just happy to be safe and crept into bed.

After years of trying, I have finally found an alcoholic drink that I now both respect and fear. Don’t mess with the mexcal! It’s not big, and it’s not clever.

You've got Wearside Jack, celebrity fan

2008-05-03T12:13:00.007+01:00

In a bizarre set of circumstances I took umbrage at being described as a Mackem on a When Saturday Comes Internet forum. Thankfully it turned out I had been mistaken.

I had explained that although it was not nice being described as "a spongeing Jerry Springer audience level twat" I did really object to being called a Mackem.

It made me recall a story told by Yorkshire Mag Big Issue. He was arrested by the Police in the late 70's during the height of the Yorkshire Ripper case, which was going pear-shaped with the Wearside Jack diversion. He was living in Leeds and was lifted one morning and subjected to some rather forceful police interrogation.

Finally he cracked and told them "look, I am perfectly happy to be accused of being a mass murderer, but I find it offensive that you think I am a Mackem".

Needless to say I don't think the Police appreciated the irony!

Pull the other one..

2008-04-30T16:49:00.010+01:00

News reaches these shores that Ronaldo has been caught up in a sex scandal with three cross-dressing prostitutes.
Having dropped off his girlfriend at her house in Rio de Janeiro on Monday night, the 2002 World Cup winner picked up three prostitutes. When they all booked into a motel, the AC Milan striker discovered that the prostitutes were in fact men. According to Rio police, he alleges that the transvestites then tried to extort money from him. Local press reports quoted one of the prostitutes, Andreia Albertine - otherwise known as Andre Luiz Ribeiro Albertino - as saying that Ronaldo had threatened to hit him, on discovering that he was a transvestite.

Now I am not one to condemn but to pick up one tranny is a mistake, to pick three up seems something akin to like having a moment of madness on Clapham Common. Needless to say it seems a very difficult mistake to make. On the one hand you have a city full of beautiful women such as below:

On the other hand you have this bloke Ronaldo picked up along with his two mates. Personally I would not find it difficult to determine whether he was an Arthur or a Martha. As a tip Ron always check out the size of their hands and evidence of an adams apple.

Of course, a gentleman can get slightly confused once drink has been partaken, and I have witnessed some interesting mistakes made by fellows who became unsuspecting tranny magnets. For example, I suspect that a number of inebrieted Toon fans may have mistakingly sought entertainment with the Ramblas trannies in Barcelona during one of our European visits to the city. Indeed some defend themselves on the basis that they had paid their money, so...

Of course, trips to the aptly named Nou Camp have never been straightforward for your average Toon fan (and not just games getting rained off). One tranny magnet I know ended up getting robbed three times in three nights in Barcelona when we played them back in 97. On the first night they took his wallet, on the second night they took his watch. When he was robbed the third night he protested that their mates had taken everything he had. So they took his shoes. And he had a tranny. I guess this story puts Ronaldo's escapades in perspective.

As the Toon army sang in Barcelona, "Your just a town full of trannies".

I really, really love you Roy....I do

2008-04-29T18:47:00.002+01:00

Could not resist posting this, just in case anybody has not seen it. Tee hee.

Toon Army...phone home...

2008-04-27T18:36:00.013+01:00

I missed yesterdays away game at West Ham. Due to unforeseen circumstances I even missed watching the game on Albanian TV down my local. Having put off a plumbing job in my house for months a weekend at home finally forced me to try and tackle it. Plumbing and me have never really got on, it looks like it should be easy but everything I have ever done seems to go wrong. Having hoped the job would take an hour I only finished it today (and I don't think it is a permanent fix so will probably have to get a plumber in!). Saturday was spent on trips to B&Q, scratching my head and cursing all things related to DIY - which I hate with a passion.

A mate of mine was also avoiding the Hammers trip and instead was on a weekend trip to Krakow. Starved of news he texted me for the latest scores and I kept him fully posted with the events in London and elsewhere.

It dawned on me that things certainly have changed in the last few years. In the October 1996 I took a trip around Eastern Europe with the hope of getting to Budapest to see the Toon play Ferencvaros in the UEFA Cup. Due to a number of reasons I only got as far as Bucharest in Romania. In the days before mobiles, the Internet etc there was only one option. Phone me Mam.

We arrived in Bucharest slightly weary after a side trip to Bulgaria. On arrival in the main train station I set out an immediate plan of action. As we would now not make KO in Hungary unless we found a teleport we would find a hotel, get some cash, get some food and drink and then phone me Mam on a regular basis from a nearby bar.

Having checked into a hotel we headed back to the station to change some cash and then walked into central Bucharest. Walking along the street a bloke started talking to us, asking where we were from and showing some local note and asking how much this was worth in the UK. Suddenly two men in suits stepped out in front of us and flashed a police card, explained they were after the dangerous gentleman who we had been talking to and demanded to see our passports and money as he was a known counterfeiter. My mate John unwittingly handed over his passport before I could intervene, which I did before his money was passed over after it.

Smelling a rat I demanded he gave back the passport and told him that we should all go back to the police station in the railway station, where we would be happy to let them see passports and receipts etc. They refused, telling me this is how things worked in Romania. In for a penny in for a pound I lunged at the bloke who held my mates passport and comically wrestled it off him resulting in him slapping me. So I slapped him back! To my relief (I may look big and can sound aggressive but I am in reality soft as clarts and have never won a fight since 1976!) and surprise instead of pulling a gun/knife on me (which is normally what happens to me) he theatricaly pretended to "arrest" and slap the so-called villian and drag him off to the fantasy police station around the corner. Welcome to Romania.

By this point it was getting dark and we headed off for a bar and some food. We soon discovered that a journey on foot in Bucharest during the evening involves negotiating packs of ferral dogs who seem to rule the city at night. Having negotiated past a pack of ferocious looking mongels we found a brilliant bar with a telephone in the street opposite. Fatigued we enjoyed the beer, wine and canny grub and I called me mother on regular intervals. Newcastle were 2-1 down and I decided to use all my change for the last 10 minutes, call me Mam and get her to leave the phone in front of the telly so I could hear the game (bless her her match commentry leaves something to be desired). Alas we could not come back (although thankfully the second leg turned into a 4-0 rout, including a class goal by Ginola), so having said thanks to me Mam we drowned my sorrows and headed back into the city which at this late stage was resembling a canine equivalent of Escape from New York.

Text messaging would have made this much easier..the youth of today, they don't know they are born.

Latest win sees Humble Pie sales rise in Media (presuming it was not just Mark Viduka getting a post-match batch of his usual in)

2008-04-21T11:26:00.010+01:00

After successfully negotiating the Mackem game yesterday Keegan manged to maintain his 100% record against our local neighbours from down the road and we have become mathematically safe.

After months of being absolutely slated by the football media there now appears to have been a big exercise in revisionism regarding Keegan. For example The Guardian immediately followed the match with a post by Paul Doyle and analysis by David Pleat suggesting that Keegan is after all not too bad. Although Louise Taylor's match report really has a heavy hint of curmudgeon about it - but that is no surprise! (SEE THE EXCELLENT LOUISE SUMMARY IN OURMAN HERE)

More than happy with the result, perhaps even more so as it was a much poorer performance than recent outings. Whereas we can never say Keegan is the greatest tactical genius in the football world he does at least seem to know how to get a team dynamic working. Having found a formation which is working and benefited from a run where we have a settled side in place (thankfully Owen has finally had a injury free period) we have moved out of the mire we were in a few months back.

The team got hammerered by three of the top four teams so far this season (the game at Chelsea being the exception, and we are of course still due to play them at home within a few weeks). But we must have a squad with more than enough to challenge anyone outside the top four at the moment. The current difference between fifth and twelfth is a big 19 points, the difference between fifth and first is twenty points. So there does clearly seem to be a series of sub-leagues outside the top four. There are an awful lot of merely average to poor teams who are more than capable of beating another team outside the top four on its day. Perhaps that shows what a marginal difference getting a team playing the right way and in a right frame of mind can do.

Washing your dirty linen in public replaced by love in the air

2008-04-11T07:03:00.000+01:00

After months of the media taking every opportunity to slag off all those associated with the Toon it appears that the recent change in fortune has turnrd things around in terms of how we are all now perceived in the world.

After a period which seemed to see the media vent itself over the club on a daily basis and where everything about the club was subject to being washed and hung out in public a run of a few good results has changed things. Even the centre of anti-Newcastle propaganda, the o'Guardian, has started to run nicer articles. Our friend Louise seems to have stopped writing and there was even a suppotive article yesterday! What must she be doing with herself now?!

I have personal experience of having my washing done in public.When travelling I sometimes wish that my Mother would come and take me home, sit me down, make me a cup of tea and tell me that everything is going to be alright. After travelling around Sri Lanka with my mate Billy Jez I found myself in such a low state that even my own Mother would probably not have recognised me!

Renting bikes from our guesthouse we set off to view the ruins of the ancient city of Polonnaruwa. It all started to go wrong when my defective bike decided to fall apart at a particularly gravely bit of road. The resultant tumble left me with deep gouges, cuts and bruises right up my left leg and arm. I could hardly move for the pain but I somehow managed to limp back to the guesthouse that night. Not to be outdone, Billy Jez decided to have a psychotic episode induced by heat exhaustion. I spent the night crawling around our hut attempting to coax him back under his mossie net as he lurched back and forth to the toilet to deposit bodily fluids, shouting out garbled gibberish.

Our host became so concerned that he took me to hospital the next day. "This is the best hospital in Polonnaruwa ", he said proudly as I was admitted and led through to what I later named the ward of death. He was not wrong; it was the only hospital in Polonnaruwa. My time on the ward will live with me till my grave. Perhaps because the person who was in front of me died on the treatment table. Or perhaps it was the needle they stabbed into my arm when I was not looking.

When discharged we decided it was probably time to move on, lick our wounds and chill out in the city of Kandy. But my troubles were far from over. My leg and arm were in agony due to the incompetent bandaging and ineffective 'local medicine' I had been given and swarms of flies were attracted to the weeping sores that remained. Consequently, as I was concentrating on protecting my leg on a crowded bus an opportunist thief stole my wallet. I had said goodbye to my credit card, money and plane ticket home. Things could not get much worse and we were desperate for some comforts.

By this point our clothes were also in a desperate way and in need of a good wash. So, to spoil ourselves we went to deposit two carefully packed plastic bags at the town laundry. Unfortunately, there are no ordinary service washes in Sri Lanka and we had not counted on the amazing efficiency of laundry staff. As they opened up our bags we started to attract the attention of inquisitive locals who crowded round for a look. After a few weeks hard travel, coupled with being ravaged by upset stomachs, we stood in horror as we realised the state our clothing was in. The young clerk recorded each item in a ledger. "One tee-shirt, white. One pair of shorts, blue." As he found and lifted up the first pair of underpants the clerk stopped, looked at the pants, looked at us and with a disgusted shake of his head announced "One pair of underpants….". Theatrically, he dropped them onto the pile. I now fully understand the meaning of the phrase washing your dirty laundry in public.

The trip taught me several important travels lessons. Firstly, never rent bikes. Secondly, always take with you a supply of travel washing powder. Lastly, never eat the yellow snow - but that’s another story!

Stiffs end with pantomine finish

2008-03-31T21:37:00.000+01:00

Towards the end of the reserve game against Man Utd tonight the lad behind me commented that "Howay, it is not a pantomine!" as the ranks of what I assume were jumior magpies sat above the dugouts chanted "OFF, OFF, OFF" as one of their players chopped down a Toon attacker. The panto season may have passed but tonight Gary Neville was playing one of the ugly sisters and was booed throughout the game. The final home league game of the season started badly with Fraser Forster only managing to parry a low strike allowing Sean Evans to pounce and fire home from close range in teh first minute. Indeed Forster seemed to have a nervy game all round, in contrast to the assured performances between the posts of recent weeks. Star of the first half was Emre, who in the first 25 minutes showed everything which is good and bad about the little Turk. In this period he managed to get badly clattered and required treatment for some time, get himself booked for kicking the ball away at a free kick given against him, berated the referee (who had a terrible game by the way) at any opportunity, bossed the midfield throughout the half and scored a sublime goal which saw him dance past two defenders before slotting home.

At the break there was some very odd half time entertainment involving some kid doing tricks with the assistance of me old favourites the mascots.

Emre was subbed and this took the edge off our midfield. As the game progressed and stretched things got a bit niggly and a number of yellow cards were shown by the overly officious ref. Finally a mass brawl broke out when Lua Lua was brought down outside the area as he ran towards goal. The Man Utd defender James Eckersley berated Lua Lua on the ground (presumably believing he had got him sent off) and as players clashed Wesley Ngo Baheng started pushing. The ref showed him a second yellow and Eckersley was given his marching orders for a professional foul.

So that is it for another year...although we do of course have the Northumberland Senior Cup final to look forward to at the end of April. Finally some silverware we can win!

Bitter lemon

2008-03-31T11:52:00.000+01:00

Former football manager Graeme Souness has launched a scathing attack on Newcastle United fans, labelling them "unforgiving, critical customers".

Souness - paid a £3.2m golden handshake after being sacked in 2006 - rounded on them for their lack of loyalty to managers, saying he won't return to football management because he'd been "sickened" by his 18 months at St James' Park.

His astonishing outburst came on Ireland's main radio station RTE Radio One, during an interview with sports presenter Eamon Dunphy on Friday.

During the hour-long show Souness, 54, who managed Rangers, Liverpool and Blackburn before going to Tyneside in 2004, also criticised fans "up there" for assuming Newcastle is a big club.

He said: "The last job well and truly sickened me. The Newcastle one was a bad experience . . . I'm sure if you asked Sam Allardyce he would tell you the same, it was just an unhealthy situation there.

"I believe Newcastle is a club that gets 52,000 people paying to watch them every other week and they have 22,000 supporters and 30,000 customers.

"They are extremely critical.

"You ask yourself why are they so unforgiving? They've done nothing since 1969, so where this opinion comes from that they are a big club and should be winning things comes from?"

"It should be a fabulous club and could be a fabulous club. I was there 18 months. We reached the semi-final of the FA Cup, the quarter-finals of the UEFA Cup.

"I think it was nine consecutive wins which equalled the club record and I can remember going into that period where we had these semi-finals coming up and thinking If we lose these they will be calling for our heads' and that's the way it is up there." (The club actually won seven games in a row under Souness, and the club record is 11.)

Personally I think the I think the "22,000 fans - 30,000 customers" comment rings true but Souness was a complete disaster for the club and his comments are very sour and bitter. Especially when he said in January that he would love to come back to the club now that Fat Fred was gone! "Of course I would love a return to Newcastle. It is a dream job; fabulous supporters; and a massive club".

This is simply an exercise in scapegoating others to mask his own failure. After all it was not the fans who signed Amdy Faye, Boumsong or Babayaro. We just had to pay for them, and sit and watch them play. Souness put in place the great decline from the team that Robson built, the impact still cuts through the team today. F**k off Souness.

The relief of Mafeking..

2008-03-31T10:10:00.000+01:00

Yesterdays match felt like a football equivalent to the relief of Mafeking!! After all that has happened this season we only went out and played Spuds off the park.

As usual this club is always full of surprises.

Quite why we could not play like this more often over the season is beyond me. By whatever means Keegan seems to have found a formation which appears to work (at least for now and against teams of a certain level). Although we are not totally out of it the win starts to put some distance between us and Bolton, who have a very tricky run-in and are looking poor.

Somewhat typically this was a match which was chosen as one I would not attend and given the limited overseas coverage we opted to watch it in the Cumberland Arms in Tynemouth. However, the coverage was made somewhat surreal by the fact that the dodgy satelite kept cutting out so the game was partly watched live, partly listened to on Radio Newcastle and partly viewed as updates on Sky Sports News/Sky's coverage of the Scouse derby in a modern multi-media equivalent of teletext football! Not to worry, the result was the main thing and if we can get to the end of this season in-tact we can but hope that Keegan does the required thing and cleans out some of the dead wood.

We could do with another startling performance at Spurs...

2008-03-28T12:06:00.000Z

Martins claims that his goal at Spurs last year was his best ever.

It was certainly one which sticks in your memory, but that game also saw "big" goals from Huntington & Butt to secure the points.

Should we manage to secure another "double" on Sunday it will of course be irrelevant as to whether Martins or someone else scores a scorcher of a goal - in off backsides welcome...

Crossroads for Shoala

2008-03-28T11:30:00.000Z

After much recent speculation Ameobi has gone on loan to Stoke and I would be surprised if we ever get to see him back in a Toon shirt. It seemed like Shoala was forever at a crossroads in his career, always on the cusp of making that next step upto greatness. Early on he gave the impression that he was always in the shadow of Shearer, claiming he was learning from the great man but yet never seemed to fulfill his potential.

When he got his chance he occasionally showed glimpses - his goals at the Nou Camp and at Bayer Leverkusen particular highlights - but all too frequently he failed to deliver. Ahead of the 2005-6 season he proclaimed in the press he would score 20 goals and play in the World Cup finals. .
Course, he never said exactly how long he would take to score those 20 goals, or which finals he would play in! That season became another underachievement as he was hampered by his hip problem.

He is always tagged as being an Engalnd under 21 international, Shoala is now 26 and should be in his prime as a footballer after eight seasons at the club. Allardyce and now Keegan seem to have lost patience with him.

Shoala is an annoying player. Too often he did his Bambi on ice impersonation as balls seemed to uncontrollably ping off his shins. However, more damningly was his tendency to disappear. In 1967, the coffee bar manager in Crossroads went to get some sugar and was never seen again. Ameobi seemed to do the same thing this season - after a truly disgraceful performance at Arsenal in the League Cup this year he once again disappeared off the scene and has not been seen since.

At least we appear to have got a good deal for him - with reports that apparently Roeder was put off by the expensive loan and permanent deal (£5M) negotiated by Wise. Some of Roeders comments have not been widely publicised but they seem telling:

"This is only a personal opinion and I know Shola extremely well - I know his character; he's a top man; a fantastic goal-scorer - but he has got a history of injuries.He's had a really nasty hip operation and to be gambling £5 million - and I don't know the deal exactly - but if that's a guaranteed £5 million, that's some gamble that Pulis has taken on someone who has seemed to have recovered from major surgery on his hip. And it hasn't really yet been tested because he's wasted a year. The two managers that Newcastle have had this year have chosen not to use him. So knowing Shola like I do, he'll be amazingly unfit as well. He takes a bit of getting fit. So Stoke have got a short period of time to get the best out of him; out of a Shola Ameobi that will be nowhere near match-fit. And if Dennis is telling the truth, you'd be shocked at how much they're paying."

However, no doubt he will reappear for Stoke next season and manage to score against us...

Stormy weather

2008-03-22T09:26:00.000Z

Today feels like a potential watershed. If we win, and depending on other results today, we may start to shift in the right direction in the league. If we draw, or god forbid lose, then it may well be the beginning of the end.

While the rest of the football world concentrates on the so-called super Sunday construct created by the PL "random" fixture generator we look out to the squeaky bum time of this awful season.

Having been away in India due to having to rescue my family after they were off-loaded in Mumbai/Bombay on their flight back from Australia (a long story!) I have had a bit of time to reflect on things from a distance. It is a depressing state of affairs we find ourselves in. Next to the unaccustomed five star luxury that we were staying in was of course abject poverty. The masses are of course cricket obsessed in India, and Bombay is no exception with every spare patch of green seemingly given over to playing cricket. While I was there the lucrative Indian 20-20 Cricket league was in full swing. The league has attracted all the razzmatazz of American Football, with scantily classed western cheerleaders celebrating every four or wicket. This was not my first visit to India, but it was the first time in Bombay. The city itself is a toilet, and if the muted game 39 was ever played here by the Toon I would not fancy going over to watch it.

With cricket and hockey more popular football is still a back seat sport, and although PL coverage was prominent via Asian TV in the top end hotels/bars the average Indian in the street has probably never heard of us never mind our troubles. Lucky them...

Stiffs finally end clubs Gobi Desert win drought

2008-03-03T21:46:00.000Z

Well it felt like a good win tonight, if nothing else it was nice to see a Newcastle team go and and actually win for a change. That damn single Magpie turned up again in my street this afternoon and I started to get the same feeling when I last saw him on Saturday morning. However, a brace from Carroll (following an Everton own goal) complemented a reasonable performance all round in the penultimate home match in the Premier League Reserve League North. Whether we will be making an appearance in this League next year remains to be seen, if we are not then one or two of these players may well be turning out for the first team next season. Certainly Carroll caught the eye with an aggressive display which kept the Everton defence on the back foot and he set up other players on occassion. Indeed, it was one of his passes that set up one of two one on ones which should have been put away. Foster in goal had a relatively quiet night but did put in some good saves and looking reassuringly calm at the back. I am sure most of the other young players could hold their own in the Championship..if needed. I just hope and pray a few get to make senior debuts this season as a process of the club blooding them while we are safe from relegation.....

Those were the days...

2008-03-03T09:44:00.000Z

It is four years to the day that we beat Vålerenga 3-1 at home in the UEFA Cup, although it seems like a lifetime ago in terms of football.

At the away leg of the tie in Oslo I had the pleasure of being introduced to their Manager Kjetil Rekdal after the match. After a day which had been funded by negotiating a bulk discount deal with a local barman we stumbled back to our hotel only to be accosted by a group of Vålerenga fans who insisted on taking us to their nearby supporters bar. With pints thrust into our hands we started to be introduced to people in an alcoholic blur when the next minute I was introduced to their Manager who was in a post match meet the fans session. He shook my hands and asked what I thought of his tactics in the second half. I would like to say that I responded with a lucid deconstruction of the game but as we possibly had had a twenty pint plus day I doubt anything I said made any sense whatsoever.

The Vålerenga were a cracking group and we invited them to come to our bar at the home leg. They did not turn up pre-match much to our disappointment but after the game they did with a massive squad of them in tow. They truly were some of the nicest people you could meet, and it genuinely restored some of my faith in humanity to see them again. Unfortunately I could not arrange for Bobby Robson to turn out to talk tactics but we saw them off at the end of the night as they headed away in search of more cheap drink. Halcyon days!

And so the final chapter of this turgid season begins....

2008-03-03T09:23:00.000Z

Another tragic day at St James Park on Saturday leaves us firmly in the mix. All the football journalists seem to have us as relegated already. Now I am as pessimistic as the next Toon fan but some of the comments seem a little bit over the top.

Then there are the stories about "an extraordinary meeting with Ashley on Saturday evening", as Louise Taylor put it today. Notwithstanding the usual slant she has on any Toon story this has also been widely picked up and repeated (although perhaps with a little more balance in some cases) across all the newspapers. The stories are couched in "according to reports on Tyneside" and "Kevin Keegan is understood to have told Mike Ashley, Newcastle United's owner, that he cannot offer him any assurances that the club will avoid relegation from the Premier League this season". In other words the story is made up. At least the Times has the decency to clarify the report with: “Mike always has a drink with the players and managers after the game and it sounds like someone has seen him talking to Kevin and jumped to the wrong conclusion,” a club spokesman said. “I cannot comment on what may or may not have been said in a private conversation.” So it is a made up story then.

The match report in the Guardian was left to Ms Taylor, who predictably down-played what was for the majority of fans as good a performance seen in these parts for some time with "Yet, while it is easy to put a positive spin on Newcastle's performance - even if Habib Beye should have been sent off for grabbing Morten Gamst Pedersen by the throat and sparking a ridiculous mêlée over a disputed throw-in - it must be seen in the context of a disappointing Blackburn display which left Mark Hughes running through a full repertoire of despairing technical-area gestures." She just can't help herself can she.

Mind, the Times concludes that we will not get enough points to stay up based on one of its hacks prediction that we will only win one game, draw three and lose the rest - albeit he thinks we will get a draw against Man City on the last day of the season, is this our Game 39 already? We could probably do with an extra one! Fair enough, if we do go down it will at least finally get rid of this tiresome media circus that just won't go away.

Louise Keys are these keys usual service resumes

2008-02-28T10:01:00.000Z

In todays Guardian, Louise Taylor once again manages to write a story about Newcastle with a rather nasy barb. The article starts by talking about fitness issues at the club but then descends into something else:

Yet even if Keegan is not about to be dismissed, there are continuing suggestions that he could be tempted to resign. Rumour has it that he was not consulted over either Dennis Wise's appointment as Newcastle's executive director or Chris Hughton's installation as assistant manager, but he dismissed such talk as "garbage" yesterday. "Those stories have no foundation," Keegan stressed, before claiming to be unfazed by a blizzard of newspaper essays querying his suitability for job.

"It's water off a duck's back, you have to take it on the chin," said the former England coach.

Six weeks ago Blackburn's Mark Hughes was in strong contention himself to shape Newcastle's destiny but the Welshman may now feel he had a lucky escape.

This comes on the back of a couple of typical articles this week, one laughably questioning Boro's new signing Alves where she could not resist to negatively mention Newcastle in the guise of Jon Dahl Tomasson. This comes on the back of another article where John Sadler piece about Wenger's post match comments about Eduardo to drag up hackneyed critical stories about Keegan.

Now we may all becoming paranoid about the Guardian coverage but the drip drip criticism in its coverage reminds me of my teenage anger at the Daily Mail and Express coverage of the world. Back in the 1980's my Mam used to buy the Mail and my Dad the Express. Reading these horrible rags day in day out can turn you into a myopic bitter and prejudiced person as the daily drip drip stories about a number of "big issues" were designed to poison you slowly to believe a certain point of view. The reporting was of course totally biased and based on cliche and unsubstantiated facts. Not that that mattered, because they seemed to go with the theory if you say something enough times you start to believe it is true. It was indeed gutter journalism, and in my view the Guardian sports coverage of Newcastle is exactly the same.

Frequently her articles allude to alleged insiders, sources or a second hand re-hash of tabloid tittle tattle but not hard facts and an enlightened insight. I want to read articles which give me a greater understanding of an issue or a new perspective on the world. You know, good journalism. All we get from Louise is a sad abdication from a professional duty to inform objectively. I have read the Guardian for over twenty years, sadly I am losing my patience with it.

Anyway, it was because of Jon Dahl Tomasson that I ended up in a bar, in Cairns dancing on a table to Barbie Girl by Aqua with two amazonian Danish girls. In a big night out we stumbled into a bar full as a chip with all sorts of people. Stumbling around bothering people I got talking to two Danish girls and it turned out they actually new the then Newcastle striker as they came from the same town and went to school with him.

That was enough for me, hands accross the ocean and all. Once the Danish band Aqua started up on the disco with Barbie Girl I grabbed the two girls jumped on a table and starting making all kinds of shapes with them.

Lets go party...

I hang my head with shame...

Reasons to be cheerful, Part 2

2008-02-25T18:48:00.000Z

This stuff up by Real Madrid is class. At the Bernabeu at the weekend Real Madrid made a real ass of themselves as Arjen Robben had a goal disallowed for offside at home to Getafe. As the Real players mistakenly celebrated at taking the lead, the visitors took a quick free-kick and scored the match-winning goal on the counter-attack.

Saturdays game remined me why I dislike Man Utd, with the way every player ran to the corner after each goal to congratulate the scorer and waste minutes of time a particular annoyance. It would have been wonderful if the same had happened at St James...

Reasons to be cheerful, Part 1

2008-02-25T18:14:00.001Z

Congratulations to Newcastle United, NSW, for their victory in the Hyundai A League Grand (Poobah of the Leopard Lodge) Final. They beat Central Coast Mariners in a bad tempered final and finally get hold of the coveted toilet seat trophy. But lets not mock, they have at least won something and I would not care what a trophy looked like if we ever won one.

The TV coverage was truly awful, as all Aussie TV tends to be. The crowd was hilarious, with plenty foam hands, inflatable jets and people dressed up as pirates.

Back in the Sky studio they gave us the hapless Terry Butcher on the basis of his failed managerial career in Australia. In 1993 he had a brief and equally disastrous spell as player manager of Sunderland. In the close season I had agreed to go on a trip to meet friends in Dublin via Northern Ireland with a Mackem mate and his companion The Otter (he looked like an Otter, obviously). The Belfast leg of the trip, during the height of the troubles, was the means by which they could watch pre-season games and I could watch barman pull pints for me at the same time. Standing outside a local football ground I asked the RUC where the closest safe bar was, as I wanted a quiet drink while the match was on. "Oh, you'll get that", said the PC, "and a bullet in the back of the neck". They pointed me in the direction of the local hotel where the players were staying and as I headed off the team bus turned the corner. Butcher was at the front and as the bus stopped and he got off he looked at me, waved and said "Alright?". I think my reply was misunderstood, I believe he thought I had a bad cough.

Suitably refreshed after an afternoon drinking at a wedding in the hotel it only took 15 minutes of negotiating to let them allow me into a taxi with three bags in the boot by myself. Then it was off to Dublin by train. As one local put it. "Free state? Three pound a pint, what's f*ckin free about that?". Quite.

Beware the aides of March

2008-02-25T17:49:00.000Z

Saturdays latest horror show did little for anyone connected with this club, other than possibly a few extra quid from the TV coverage. A thoroughly disheartening game. There appeared to be various amounts of "bother" around the ground. No doubt the discontent level was fueled by the amount of drinking time afforded by the late kick off and complemented by the usual annual trouble caused by the visit of the cockney Mancs et al.
As we head into March we now have a series of cliche six pointers and must win games, starting with Blackburn on the 1st. Failure to turn things around may see some blood letting and knives thrust into backs if it all goes pear shaped. On Saturday we got away with it as the teams below us - bar Birmingham who drew and Wigan who beat Derby - lost. However, we should not be relying on the kindness of strangers - we need to control our own destiny. Whether the players and coaching staff can deliver a turnaround remains to be seen.

Martin Samuel makes a good point

2008-02-21T14:04:00.000Z

Like many football journalists his writing can be a bit hit and miss and Samuel has often strayed directly into the side of miss on many occassions this year - not least about the coverage of Newcastle. However, his article about the decision to show the Everton UEFA Cup game above Bolton tonight is spot on.
"Sadly, there is no room for romance in English football these days. Five, the television network that is home to Uefa Cup football, is ignoring Bolton’s trip to Spain in favour of showing an all-but-dead rubber between Everton and Brann, the Norwegian team. Everton hold a 2-0 lead from the away leg and will doubtless win again. But they are a bigger club than Bolton and may therefore scrape a bigger rating, so rather than take a chance on appealing to those who love football for its unpredictability, they will press ahead with a game that is barely of interest to Evertonians; because the marketing department guesses there may be more of them and will not take a chance.

Five’s coverage of European football is presented by a Radio 1 DJ and the devil, as the saying goes, is in the detail. In the end, when football finally passes its soul to Old Nick, it will not be in exchange for something as grand as the 39th Premier League match; it will be for all the little sell-outs, the compromises, the cash-ins, the moments when those who run the game and those who control its finances acted without vision and saw only the next buck. The times when the BBC could have gambled on the sheer joy of seeing Havant & Waterloovile in the FA Cup at Anfield but went instead with the thrill of Wigan Athletic against Chelsea. The time when a dull replay between Premier League teams took the place of a match that could be vibrant and different, but may have been a harder sell.

These days, every Sunday has to be super. Every match comes with its hype and its excitable soundtrack to mask the fact that these are the same teams on the same treadmill and, increasingly, the results are the same, too. Nobody wins at Stamford Bridge any more. A good big ’un will always beat a good little ’un if they field their best team. We used to understand the rhythm of the season, the sideshows and pleasant detours, but now all we want, or all we are fed, is marquee names, overblown showpieces, until it is considered impossible that the average fan could enjoy the simple pleasure of seeing whether Bolton Wanderers – and I will repeat, Bolton bloody Wanderers – can knock Atlético Madrid out of Europe. If you don’t like that, you don’t like football. It is as simple as that.

We hear a lot of talk about the market and audiences, as if these citizens are produced in factories somewhere for the exclusive benefit of television companies and are not the same people we pass in the street every day of our lives. As the Uefa Cup is not the type of competition to attract the casual viewer, one presumes the potential audience for Five’s coverage is made up of what is known as football fans. So that would mean me. I am a football fan.

And in case any of Five’s match selection committee is reading, I think I can speak for many when I say that I would rather be strapped to a chair and forced to watch endless documentaries about Canadian truckers (and Five is way ahead of us with this one, folks) than sit through Everton’s procession against Brann. Bolton versus Atlético Madrid, I would have tuned in. I can’t speak for everybody. We appear to be losing our appetite for the unusual; or we think we have."

I have seen the future and it is "Game 39", but not for us

2008-02-19T17:35:00.000Z

At this moment the plans for Game 39 seems to have taken a bit of a hit with both UEFA and FIFA voicing strong opposition and the FA being decidedly lukewarm on the idea. We can only hope the idea dies but my hunch is this might only be a feint and another deal will be hatched to give at least the top teams some extra cash. Whether this will be some Euro League within the UEFA umbrella or some other crazy international competition for the elite teams remains to be seen but clearly the lust and greed driving the clubs forward has not yet been satiated yet by the CL and foreign TV money etc.

In July 2004 I saw a taster of what could be the future - although probably not for us the way things are going - when I diverted myself away from a family holiday to see Newcastle play one of its pre-season games in the Far East against the Thai National Team (as I wrote about last year). A mate of my lives in Bangkok and as other friends were visiting at the same time in seemed a great idea to get out there and also watch the match.

The game was played at the Rajamangala Stadium, and after saying goodbye to my non-toon supporting friends I jumped in a taxi to the ground. It was easy enough to get a ticket to the match and thankfully a beer as temperatures quickly soared to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Football weather this was not. The crowd was just weird, with Shearer and Gary Speed in particular subject to wild screaming adoration when they were taken off and proceeded to walk around the pitch.

Of course the team let the fans down as usual, despite coming back from being 1-0 down they proceeded to do the usual trick of losing it on penalties. Thankfully I was in a taxi at this point heading back to a bar in the city, so only had the mocking laughter of the taxi driver to endure as we got out of dodge.No doubt this whole exercise was a good PR/exposure for the club and for the evil Thai PM before he was ousted. But in reality was this kind of game good for Thailand and Thai football? No, it was not. Taksim chose not to invest his millions in the development of the national game but instead tried to buy Liverpool and having seen that fail plumped to buy Man City.

It did not do the players or Robson much good either as we started the season looking sluggish and without a win until 5 games into the season. By which time Robson had gone and season was to fizzle out in the disasters of Lisbon and Cardiff the following April.

If other countries want to see PL teams then this type of format should be the limit. The sheer logistics of playing a game in these kind of conditions is ridiculous. Like all pre-season friendlies it was a bit of fun to go to, and it did not involve much emotional energy. I would hate to go and play a game there that actually meant something.

A League of Confusion

2008-02-19T14:42:00.000Z

Having tried and failed to record (I kept getting something completely different to the advertised slot) the highlights of the Australian A League on Sky over the last few weeks I have been somewhat confused further by actually being able to see something called the "Preliminary Final" last weekend. I could not work out exactly what this was, it implied it was a final yes but not THE final. Having discussed this over a pint we presumed that there would now be a "Grand Final" as per Australian Rules football and Rugby League. Because Newcastle United had won this preliminary final - and seeing any team with this name win anything is unusual - and former Mag Craig Moore was sent off for Brisbane - I had a vague interest in all this so I therefore made it my mission to discover what the hell the Aussies were up to with this version of football.

In my experience sport mad Australians don't get Football in exactly the same way way that Americans don't. Outside the significant European minorities (Croats, Serbs, Italians, Greeks plus of course the Brits etc) Australians are more obsessed with "Footie" and Rugby rather than the beautiful game. On my regular visits to Australia I have often been the brunt of abrasive comments about Football being a "poofs" game etc. Of course I have countered by responding to questions about what I think about Aussie Rules by saying I am not really interested in minority sports and if it was that good other countries might actually want to play it, which really gets their goat! I have genuinely tried to get into it but really don't find it that interesting, it is similar to Gaelic Football and the scoring is like watching a basketball match so the subtleties of an exciting 0-0 draw would really go over an average Aussies head. Aussie rules remains the king, especially in rural Australia and Melbourne.

Fair play to the A League it has been attempting to boost interest in the game. Like the USA they have had to adapt it to the native sports culture, so it falls into the same competition structures. I now understand that The top four teams at the conclusion of the Regular Season (or top four of the "LADDER", as they call it)progress to the Hyundai A-League Finals Series. Major Semi Finals feature teams that finished 1st and 2nd at the conclusion of the Regular Season, while the Minor Semi Finals feature those 3rd and 4th. The loser of the Minor semi final is eliminated and the winner plays the loser of the Major in what is The Preliminary Grand Final..Hurrah! The winner of the PGF plays the winner of the Major semi final.
So, this year Newcastle United (or Jets to give them their Americanised crap name) will play the Central Coast Mariners in the Grand Final. All sorted then. .
The Grand Final trophy is a bit weird - it is like a a big shiny toliet ring - but hey ho it is Australia, I don't think they see the comedy value.

I think I will support Newcastle in the final, although I have my reasons why not to. Back in the early 1990's when I first visited Australia I decided I should make a pilgrimage to Newcastle from Sydney and thought it would be a splendid idea to wear my Toon shirt to show some hands accross the ocean solidarity with the coal mining/shipbuilding Australian City alter ego of Newcastle Upon Tyne. My sister rang a friend at Newcastle University for me to meet up with in the City and I proudly set out bedecked in shirt on the train up the coast.

I arrived early morning and not having a clue about the place wandered up the main drag and out onto the coastal area which I have to say was very attractive with lovely beaches and a lighthouse in the distance.

I headed towards Nobby's lighthouse and noticed a group of surfers nearby who were taking advantage of the good surf in the area. As I approached walking along the path one of them turned round and shouted "What you doing here yer fecking Pommie bastard, why don't you feck off". To which, in my finest Oscar Wilde retort, I spouted "How, f**k off you long haired c**t, get a hair cut and a job". Nice. I then wandered along further only to be abused by some old bloke on more or less the same non-reasons.

Giving up on the nice scenery I decided to head back into town and find a bar. I came across a Newcastle Arms and gave my Sisters mates a call to tell them to meet me there when they were free. I walked to the bar and asked for a beer, the barman said the magical words "a pint, or a half?" I smiled and eagerly took a pint option, happy that I had finally been able to find a place which served proper pints instead of the usual small glasses. The lads turned up and I bought them a few pints as the morning turned into afternoon. Now I have never understood why they serve beer in small measures in Oz. This was the only place I ever found that served it in proper pints in NSW. They claim it is because it gets too warm. Rollocks, just drink fast and the problem simply disappears. So we did that day, much to the upset of my Aussie drinking partners who complained "What is in these glasses..?" I explained "A pint, nothing more nothing less now stop complaining and get the round in." Needless to say it all ended in tears for them, unable to keep up they both ended up hoying up down the street. I made my excuses and decided to leave Newcastle for Sydney while I could.

Despite the abuse I still have a soft spot for Newcastle so I will be flying a flag for them and drinking a whole, full English PINT of beer in their honour. The daft f**ckin c**ts.

Stiffs Freeze out Scousers

2008-02-19T00:25:00.000Z

On a night that the cold was as bitter as a bitter Mackem 1500 souls wandered into SJP to see the the reserves hold out for a goaless draw against Liverpool.

Some excellent saves from Forster combined with some profligate attacking (which we rather sarcastically put down to Krisztian Nemeth's awful orange Niki boots) from Liverpool meant that the game somehow ended scoreless.
The Journal today reports Keegan's comments that

“I said to the players, ‘There’s no one nailing down much in terms of the first team’,” he said. “Usually you have seven, eight or nine who are definite regulars. But that’s an incentive for everyone at the club to get into the team. They can see they have got a good chance and that includes the young players. All these young guys have got a future here and it’s down to them as much as it is to us.”

So Keegan is giving some encouragement that some of the kids might get the nod for first team action this season. Some of the kids do seem to have some raw talent, Wesley Ngo Baheng looks to have some pace and Tamas Kadar also suggested some potential for the future. Good luck to them, in the absence of first team recruits in January if some of the so-called stars are not performing then perhaps it is about time we gave games to a few youngsters with the motivation to perform.

The funniest thing of the night was seeing the reaction of my fellow attender when I explained the match was available for free on Setanta, and that we could have watched it in the comfort of our own homes. He He! Mind you, at least he had no idea unlike me!

It has been a couple of years since I have actually been to a reserve game (the last time was a visit to Darlington which to be honest was more about enjoying the cheap drink in Hogans), it makes a big difference to go to SJP rather than Kingston Park etc. As a kid I used to go to all the reserve games and enjoyed the novelty of sitting in the old wooden stand which seemed posh for the time. Apart from the Mackems, I recall that Man Utd and Liverpool were always the highlights of the reserve year as they always had a few star players in the team. What was different with last nights game was that unlike 25 years ago there were Liverpool "fans" in the crowd. No doubt there were a handful of people actually from Liverpool who came over but I suspect the rest were a combination of students and horrible local turncoat fans. I don't recall there being many turncoats at my school. There was one lad in my class who was a genuine West Ham fan and one lad who had an interest in Huddersfield but neither was exactly a glory hunter in choosing either club. I cannot recall there being any Sunderland fans either. Contrast this with now, it boils my pish to see local kids dressed in Chelsea/Man Utd/Arsenal/Liverpool shirts. Should my son ever decide to become a turncoat he will find that Santa will not be buying him a non-Black and White Shirt.

Dahn the market, laverly apples and pears, buying and selling...

2008-02-18T12:49:00.000Z

Media stories appeared over the weekend and today claiming firstly that Ashley (or his "people") had approached Dubai Investment Capital to switch targets from Anfield to St James’ Park and secondly that Alan Shearer has been asked to front a £250million takeover bid for the club from a North Eastern Business consortium. These stories appeared in those bastions of good journalism and integrity the Sun and The Screws of the World. The first story is repeated in the Telegraph, albeit with the proviso that there was "heightened speculation last night after fresh rumours surfaced". Even the Sun laughably frames the story with a quote from "A Toon insider" who "told SunSport".

Clearly a quiet news weekend with no Premier League games has led one or two so called journalists to rehash some old stories that seem to re-surface every few months.

Ashley is not very popular amongst the journalists covering the city, as I discussed in an article last year, and I suspect he gets up the nose of a few sports writers hence the bizarre criticism of him for deciding to sit (or stand) with away fans. Of course I may be wrong but I don't see anything in the things he has done so far which indicates he is intending to put this club on the market. Why would you hoy a load of cash in and sell on quickly at what must be a loss?

It all seems to be part of the media witchhunt against the club. Newcastle fans have been accused of being paranoid over all this but it is hard to be anything other given the daily drip drip drip attacks. Quite frankly this is becoming beyond a joke....although in the weird world of Newcastle always expect the unexpected.

We have enough to worry about on the pitch without all this palaver..can't they make up stories attacking somebody like Liverpool for a change?

Staring down the barrel of a gun.

2008-02-15T13:43:00.000Z

The second half 0f last Saturday at Villa was a sobering experience (despite the extensive early beer/buffet fest enjoyed on the train to Brum).

A big turnout from the Toon army, a packed away section, a great atmosphere and an early goal in the briliant sunshine. Then the bluebird of happiness, long absent from our lives, departed during half-time to be replaced by the chicken of depression. It now appears to have been roosting in these parts for some time.

We are now in the mire. I am still not sure what went on in the second half, but clearly the recent trend of conceding second half goals in large quantities is very worrying. Our defence was exposed, our midfield inadaquete and up front there was toil, little guile and absolutley no reward.
I am also not sure what the answer is. What I would say is that Smith is doing nothing up front, he probably needs to be dropped and should not be put into midfield. Barton was appaling, his passing was particularily inept and he could have cost us even more goals. Cacapa was exposed by the physical presence from the big lads up front for Villa. I would probably play Feye against Man Utd, although of course it might be academic in that game anyway. And as for Carr..well, he has been playing slightly better since returning from injury and losing some weight but no...

After the game we jumped on the rattler to New Street and by chance we ended up in the last carriage in the last section with a big group of Toon fans and the discussion was entirely about the drop and the fact we are staring down the barrel of a relegation gun.

Anyway, a league table would look as follows if only fixtures since Boxing Day counted. It is based on 7 fixtures each (except Man City and Blackburn who have played eight):
Arsenal 19 .
Chelsea 17
Aston Villa 14
Everton 14
Man Utd 13
Blackburn 13
Sunderland 12
M’boro 12
Tottenham 11
West Ham 11
Man City 10
Portsmouth 10
Liverpool 8
Bolton 8
Wigan 7
Fulham 5
Birmingham 4
Derby 2
Newcastle 2
Reading 0
Relegation form indeed. It is gonna be a tough few months, it is hard to see where the points will come from and we must rely on teams below us staying at the bottom of the form league. Worrying times. I recall the last couple of relegations, in those seasons we more or less went down long before the end of the season but this could go to the wire and that would be worse in my book.

As we travelled back to the Toon, thanks to the early start and the strong eastern european lager bought in Brum, I drifted into unconsciousness and uneasy dreams. I woke after dreaming of stomping on a chicken only to see another appear in its place.

Luddites?!

2008-02-15T12:36:00.000Z

Mobs roamed the Industrial towns of northern England, smashing looms and frames and burning factories. The Luddites, a band of nineteenth century English handicraftsmen, were rioting in protest to the textile machinery that had taken them out of business. In the early eighteen hundreds, in the well known counties of Yorkshire, Lancashire, Cheshire, Derbyshire, and Nottinghamshire, Luddites destroyed thousands of pieces of machinery until they finally met their own demise around 1817 and the government was able to control Luddites riots.

Newcastle have now parted company with conditioning coach Mark Howard, head of sports medicine Mark Taylor, ProZone analyst Gavin Fleig, masseur Sean Wu and physio Chris Hanson. Of course this does not mean that they have abandoned prozone, and I understand they have game analysis offered by Amsico Pro Sports. But who will they be getting to look at the detail - Terry Mac when he gets back from Greggs with the pies?

Whatever you thought about other things Big Sam brought to the club, I quite liked the idea of having some sports science function in the backroom of the club. Perhaps it reflects the job I do but it would have acted as a good way to evidence outcomes on the pitch. The arguement is that if it gives an extra few percentage on performance it is a worthwhile investment.

Clearly Keegan is not of the same opinion, or perhaps Terry Mac persuaded him they could get the racing results on the computer if they got rid of the idiot using it for prozone. I guess it is Keegan's call, but I am a little worried that he may not be the best person to take aspects of this club forward to being a modern operation - especially given what he did to the reserves/youth structures last time. Only time will tell.

England, my England?

2008-02-15T11:33:00.000Z

The England v Denmark game in 1994 was the first time I had ever been to see England play. I went along because a mate got some tickets rather than any attachment to the England team as such. I have always had a fairly ambivalent attitude to the national team,as far as I am concerned my national team play in black and white. I have always been happy enough to follow England games, I enjoyed watching them in World Cups etc as it gave some interest to the tournaments especially where Toon players were involved but above and beyond this I have no emotional attachment.

I found that the people attending this game at Wembley were truly horrible and this reinforced my feeling of detachment from the average England fan and team. It was three years before I went to my second - and last - England game when they played Molodova in a World Cup qualifier. Again, I was persuaded to go by a mate who had a spare ticket.

I had agreed to go to the match at the start of the football season but events on the 31st August made me regret my decision. I woke up that morning, happy in the knowledge that I had a great day planned out ahead of me as we were playing at Anfield. I went downstairs and put the TV on and saw a message on MTV telling viewers to turn over to Sky News for important news. I flicked over to see the announcemnt that Diana had died in Paris. I jokingly commented that "I bet they cancel the football!", thinking that as she had nowt to do with the sport it would never happen. To my horror they cancelled the match...

The next day I went into work and someone in the office said

"It was awful what happened yesterday, I could not believe it".

I replied

"Awful? Too right, I could not believe they cancelled the football because of that daft slag"

The look of horror on people's faces was startling. It was at this point that I started to realise that I was somewhat out of touch with the general mood of the nation. I have never had any time for the Royal family, and certainly not for spoilt poor little rich girls like Diana. Fair do's I felt sorry for her kids but that was it. She never had any relationship to football, I could not see why we had to have our match postponed.

Then the hysteria around her death really kicked in. I stopped watching the news, and stopped buying newspapers. Because it was pointless. There was nothing else in the news. You had to keep your mouth shut,if you spoke out against the hysteria the thought police would attack you if you said anything against St Diana. On the eve of her funeral I went out with a few mates and got really pished. I stayed in bed till 3PM, got up but avoided putting the TV on so missed the farce that was unfolding.

On the 9th September I went along to Wembley to watch the first England game since her death to discover that they were going to mark her death in a big way. Oh dear.

Prior to the match they had decided to play the re-written Candle in the Wind song by Elton Ferkin John. Jesus Christ. I was probably the only person in the Stadium who refused to stand up. I grabbed a mates programme, sat in my seat and tried to ignore the filthy looks I was receiving from the muppets sitting around me as the self-indulgent idiots lit candles and wallowed in the mass "grieving" for this ridiculous woman.

At the end of the game I vowed to never attend another England game and I hope to never have the misfortune to do so again. And ten years on we still have to see her stupid face in the papers. Boils my pish.

Thankfully my football pundit career is still on hold after 14 years...

2008-02-14T12:42:00.000Z

12th February 1994. 14 years ago I made my Sky TV debut. I was collared by one of their reporters outside Selhurst Park before the Toon played Wimbledon. It had been another great week. I had managed to disgrace myself by drunkedly leaving behind a pile of confidential work documents in a take away after our defeat to Luton in the FA Cup (a young but rotund John Hartson scoring one of the goals I recall), although thankfully only for about five minutes before it dawned on me and I returned back in time before someone picked it up.

The following Saturday via one of the lovely local public houses for maximum pre-match refreshment we trapsed down to the horrible Selhurst Park. Bedecked in Newcastle scarves and shirt I headed to the ground.

Suddenly a microphone was shoved into me and I was asked if I was a Newcastle fan (obviously I was). He then asked if the defeat by Luton indicated that the gap between the Premier League and the first division was narrowing. Prophetically I responded by saying no, that the economic dominance of the top division would create an increasingly bigger gap between the PL and the lower divisions. In hindsight this was actually quite an incisive thing to say, as this was not generally appreciated at the time.

In a manner which is rarely seen when they interview football professionals quick as a flash he asked

So how come you were turned over on Wednesday?

My drunken reply drifted into the cliches of

erm it was a cup game, 11 men versus 11 men

I then went into into fits of laughter as I realised I had drifted off into being silly.

The match was the usual surrender to the Dons, the 2 Toon goals coming from dubious penalties from Beardsley (one penalty offence I recall was actually outside the area) to the 4 we leaked. The day was forgotten as we drowned out our post match sorrows.

The following week I went to see England play for the first time, against Denmark on what was Telly Vegtables first match in charge. The next day I was at a work meeting on an Estate in West Kensington when several of the local staff said they had seen me on TV the night before. I mistakenly assumed they might have seen me in the crowd, but no apparently it was my interview from the previous Saturday. It got worse, it had been shown at least three or four times that week as I started to get phone calls from all and sundry.

It says something when a drunken knacker like myself somehow becomes some eloquent spokesman for the average fan in the street. Course, when you see the level of knacker Sky and the other media show these days I guess this is all relative. Given the media agenda nowadays I would of course tell them where to stick their microphone, but that probably reflects the increasing gap between the way they protray this club and reality.

Premier League Suit speaks...

2008-02-08T17:00:00.000Z

I got a reply from the Premier League "Communications Team" today, they must have had a busy day sifting through all the emails and copy and pasting the standard response.

This is what they said:

Thank you for your email regarding the Premier League's plans for an international round of fixtures.

Premier League Clubs have agreed in principle to support plans to create a new round of 10 competitive fixtures to be played overseas beginning season 2010/11. This ‘international round’ will be in addition to the traditional 38 home and away matches each of the 20 Premier League Clubs currently play.

The ‘international round’ is an exciting and innovative proposal that needs careful consideration before being introduced. We believe that an ‘international round’ of matches will enhance the strength of the Premier League as a competition; create extra interest in all 20 Premier League Clubs at home and abroad; and allow increased investment in talent development and acquisition, facilities as well as our football development and community programmes.

The globalisation of sport is both an opportunity and a challenge; one that needs addressing in a responsible way. We are a better competition for being a cosmopolitan league and have benefited from our increased international reach. Nonetheless, it is critical we retain our English character by improving our efforts to produce home grown talent, deepening our commitment to community engagement and continuing our investment in the grass roots.

Please be assured that we do take all feedback seriously. We appreciate the concerns of supporters and will be taking all comments on board and consulting widely before the plans are finalised.

Kind regards

Communication Team

What is worrying me is what the likes of Wenger said about all this today. He mentioned that 10% of core Arsenal fans were in the UK but the remaining 90% were around the world and that they should have the right to see the club play competitive matches. Well Wenger, they can if they get on a plane and roll up to the Emirates.

Child catcher lookilikee Coppell accurately summed it all up with "There is no point in shying away from saying that football is all about money because it is and the Premier League has been unbelievably successful in acquiring money for its member clubs. There are 38 games in the league season anyway and this 39th is added on," he said. We could be the world league - and we are very much that way inclined anyway with the players we have. This would be a way of confirming that. Why shy away from it? It is a way of getting more money in.The Premier League has no obligation now to nurture young talent or play English players. They have a mandate to go out and make money. Look at the FA Youth Cup at the moment - there is a domination of foreign players at the big clubs. We are no longer the English league.We have destroyed competition in this country for many years but as the manager of Reading I am proud and delighted to be a part of it, even though it is not an even competition. It has become a huge corporation that takes its lead from making money. There is no responsibility for the English game but it is not greed, it's business. And a successful business always tries to grow and acquire more."

Truly frightening in all this is that clearly the fans are now actually marginal if not irrelevant. The People's game my arse....this is profoundly depressing.

The Guardian Fiver sums up

"The Fiver's final thought: the success of the NFL's whistle-stop visit to London last year - a stadium full of gullible, foam finger-waving gridiron devotees watching a dreadful spectacle in the rain - shows that there are eejits out there who will pay to watch anything if you market it hard enough. Let's give Bangkok, Beijing, Hong Kong, Melbourne, Miami, Shanghai, the Moon and Mars some Bolton v Wigan Premier League classics to chew on. Actually, let's give them as many as they want. The sooner we can ship Richard Scudamore and his bloated money-making jamboree out of the country for good, the sooner the rest of us can get on with enjoying proper, competitive, sleeves-up, top-flight Championship football. Take care of yourselves, and each other. "

Here here. I will be off to watch Whitley Bay...

Ferkin Fat Cat Greedy Capitalist Bastards...

2008-02-07T19:47:00.000Z

I have to say that few things make me really angry these days but the press release from the Premier League announcing that clubs had agreed to look at adding an international round really boiled my pish. This crass proposal so de-values everything. Richard Scudamore stated

"The 'international round' is an exciting and innovative proposal that needs careful consideration before being introduced. However, this concept recognises the truly global appeal of the Barclays Premier League whilst understanding that the traditions of the English game have always underpinned our success."

Quite how this would work is beyond me, but I guess if they could ruin European competitions with the Group stages of the Champions League and the even worse pointless UEFA Cup Leagues then nothing should really surprise us.

I wrote an email to the PL as follows:

Dear Sir/Madam

I support Newcastle United and have been going to football matches since 1974, both home, away and in Europe.

I note the above proposal.

As far as I am concerned should you proceed to introduce this proposal it will be the end of the line as far as me attending top flight football games. As a supporter who actually attends matches I and my fellow supporters have had to contend with endless changes over recent years clearly designed to make your League product more of a commodity i.e. ridiculously incoherent and inconvenient match changes to accommodate the mammon of international TV coverage. Regardless of how much I am attached to following my team this would create an unacceptable change and represent the straw which firmly brakes the camels back. That is because it would demonstrate what we know already, you could not give a damn about actual football supporters.

Should you proceed I will not be renewing my season ticket and I will be cancelling my Sky Sports/Setanta TV packages.

Enjoy showing games in front of empty stadiums, at least you will not have the inconvenience of many domestic fans.

To be honest I had to stop myself swearing in the email as I wrote each line. The utter, utter cnuts. The lot of em...

I see dead people

2008-02-04T11:44:00.000Z

Still makes me laugh!

The demise of our stiffs club has sadly devalued the routine scouring of the obituaries. Over the years I had a couple of reasonable wins with Barbara Castle and Jim Callaghan (in big Jims's case enough to go on holiday to Australia). I was hoping for a triumvirate of top 1970's Labour politicians with Dennis Healey but sadly it was not to be. The club was wound up before the former Chancellor could peg it and he appears in reasonable health. Good on him, years ago a friend attended a Sixth Form politics forum in Manchester in the mid-1980's where Healey was the main speaker. After half an hour of him speaking about political issues of the day the platform was opened up for questions to the floor. After a couple of questions about CND and unemployment one lad stuck up his hand and asked:

"Dennis, how big is yer cock?

To which Healey replied:

"Big Enough"

Class.

Political Correctness gone mad

2008-02-03T10:13:00.001Z

Mido & Richard Reid

It is Boro again, so it must be time to trot out all the rollocks about what happened at the Smoggies when we played them in August. Even the Times online managed to confuse things by publishing their
article from August in a manner that made it appear to be contemporary.

Meanwhile Mido continues to milk the attention. Quoted in the Times on Saturday:

"I hope we don’t hear it again but it’s not only about me, it’s about everyone. It is terrible when you hear people making chants about race, colour, religion or whatever.

“I don’t know what the disciplinary situation was the first time it happened, I just hope that if we do hear it again that the Football Association takes the right decisions.”

Sorry mate, this is re-writing history.

Newcastle fans were branded as racist and islamaphobic that day. The reason was that following Mido being goaded during the match he decided to flick the V's at the Toon fans (a fact which the media chose to ignore, as they did when Arca did the same thing) when he scored. Cue the Mido is a terrorist chants which wound him up and sparked a violent media frenzy where fans integrity was called into question.

I chose not to join in the chants. Were they were slightly naughty? Yes. Were they racist? No, there was no refernce to his race. Was it islamaphobic? Nope, it made to refernce to his religion. Was it because he is a lookilikee for Reid? Yes. In the context it really was not that bad, if a little tasteless.

Lets stick to the facts. The song and the association is not original. It was Private Eye who started the joke, with there "are they related?" skit. Originally another London club (I think West Ham) started singing it when Mido was playing for Spurs.

No fan group is without a racist element, but to suddenly brand all Toon fans as ignorant northern bigots is plainly wrong. I don't recall the PC brigade going beserk when a London club sang this and nor can I remember calls for Private Eye to be banned when they published the original joke. So it is alright for the Cockney wide boys and the satirical press to make the joke but not for those Norvern Mankeys, eh?

If the chant was racist then surely the FA would have taken action in the past and after Boro. They did nothing, because if you look past the furore it is simply not racist.

Surely some mishtake....

This is not a case of black and white, but shades of gray in between. No wonder we have started to become paranoid over the media coverage of this club.

Toon go through rough media mill...

2008-02-01T15:09:00.000Z

Anonther week has gone by which feels like a month to be honest. I think the comments yesterday on NUFC.com more than adaquetely sum up the frustrations of many fans with the outrageous media attacks that have built up to a fever pitch after Tuesdays defeat to Arsenal. I was utterly disgusted with some of the articles written in the rags I happened to pick up that day.

Never mind appointing "Executive Directors" et al perhaps the club should employ somebody (or somebody better) to manage the PR/media side of things. No doubt the badly media managed announcement of the new appointments did not help. Why did they just not get Keegan to refuse to talk about it to the media and concentrate on the football side. If he did not have all the facts he should simply have been told to say that this press conference was about the match, and that any announcement of additional posts would be done when they were finalised. Not then. That would have been proper media management.

Sadly I think this reflects the naievity of both the club and Keegan, who always wears his heart on his sleeve. His initial comments were obtuse to say the least.
If I were in charge I would simply start to blank all the Journos who wrote needless anti-Keegan/Newcastle articles, cut them out. Starve them of contact and info, lets face it they just make it up anyway.

Who would care?

At the Stadium of Sh*te they hold a press conference at 8.30AM on a Friday. Whenever you see the room it is empty, presumably because most journos are too lazy to make it. Perhaps we should be a bit more canny and do the same?

Hi ho hi ho, its off to pick up loadsa cash I go...Dwarf enters stage right out of leftfield

2008-01-28T17:50:00.000Z

God knows what is going on now. News that serial Taxi/Blue Peter garden botherer is leaving nasty Leeds for the Toon has now been confirmed.

Apparently he is taking on a director of football type role overseeing youth development and scouting.
There have been some recent stories about him being unsettled and unhappy with life as a manager since Poyet went to Spurs, but all in all this is a baffling appointment. Keegan merely referred the press to Mort to explain - so what does this say about his thoughts on the appointment? Is Keegan just happy he will apparently have no coaching role? He will not be in the North East much, so hopefully we will not have to see his chirpyness at SJP, at all.

Jesus, never a quiet moment here is there...

No, no no oh go on then....

2008-01-27T20:41:00.000Z

I was not going to go to Villa away but as I will be on my todd and child free for three weeks I decided to go for it. Why not.

As Nicole is visiting her family in Oz with the kids it leaves me with some leisure time to fill and although I will dearly miss them at least this will keep me occupied. I would have loved to gone over to Oz again but work commitments make this a non-starter at the moment.

In addition to visiting my sister out there and visiting Nicole's family a number of times a few years ago I have also actually travelled around Oz with a mate. I had grown to consider that my mate and I were probably the biggest two half-wits in the country. We stumbled down the East Coast of Australia in a manner that, quite frankly, medical experts warned, risked our livers and kidneys rejecting our bodies. Then we decided to stay at an ‘alternative’ lifestyle guesthouse when we reached the old hippie hangout of Byron Bay in NSW and realised we were just playing at being stupid.

Our guide met us off the bus at Byron, and explained that the accommodation they provided was eco-friendly, energy self-sufficient and was run on a communal basis. Unfortunately, as some hippies had apparently squatted in it we could not go for the option of staying in the tepee. Having turned down the offers of both the big red London bus and their version of a POW hut we opted to become ‘Pod Dwellers’ on the island in the middle of the complex. The guide asked for our names and as I told him our full names he stopped me and said, “Hey, we only use first names here – we’re not into labels man!” After giving him just our first names, he introduced us to the receptionist. “Hi,” she pleasantly greeted us, “Can I have your passports and credit cards please”.

It was obvious from that point what this place was about. It was full of annoying rich kids, funded by Daddy, who were buying into a so-called hippie travel lifestyle before being flown back home in first class for Christmas. The staff turned out to be control freaks and some had even fenced off their pods and erected ‘PRIVATE PROPERTY – KEEP OUT’ signs to prevent residents invading there ‘space’. The guests were offered a range of exciting activities including the chance to spend the day making ‘healing drums’ with Simba, the African Prince (who, we discovered, actually came from Kent). Every evening he would lead his posse of young female ‘artists’ and parade round the camp to drum out the day. At this point they would light torches using paraffin – inevitably setting alight parts of the camp.

By this time, our bile was well and truly starting to boil. The final straw was when we were told that we would get ‘bad karma’ in response to our request to put our beers in the camp fridge. I will not even go into the hysteria we caused over the roo burgers at the BBQ!

A bit worse for wear on our last day there, we stumbled around talking to a few of the happy and gullible young campers. Pretending to be whalers from the Faeroe Islands, whose women and children also clubbed seals in their spare time, the initial outrage at our profession was followed by complete acceptance when we argued it was OK as it was our culture. Finally, we began to spread the rumour that the complex had been bought out by a multinational oil company to be used as a PR front on environmental issues. The consternation amongst those in the camp was evident as even Simba was put off his stride.

A few weeks later in Bali we were sat in a bar and struck a conversation with a young traveller on his way to Australia. He was interested in what we had done, and mentioned he was interested in staying at a place in Byron Bay but apparently he had heard it had been taken over a multinational oil company. We smiled; bought the bloke a drink and the thought crossed my mind that sometimes in life what goes around comes around.

Train sing song gives me flashback to Fez...

2008-01-27T20:27:00.000Z

Coming back from Arsenal once the drink really started to kick in the Toon fans started to have a sing song in our carriage and we started to join in. The one about Sunderland and celebrity Mackem fans such as Wearside Jack tickled my pickled fancy. It took me back a few years to a Christmas I spent in Morrocco where my knowledge of toon songs kind of got me through a tricky social situation.

I had spent Christmas in a tent in the Sahara desert. My Christmas dinner consisted of an amazing traditional Moroccan dish cooked on a small stove by an one-eyed Berber guide. Nights were spent singing songs. Our guide sang traditional songs about love. Me, well I could only manage a few bawdy football songs about Newcastle United. Any passing person in the middle of the Sahara would have got quite a shock that night, I can tell you – but as there was just me, my Aussie partner Nicole, the Berber and two camels out in the desert I guess the impact was somewhat lost.

You see the thing about deserts is that they are very dry. It makes you thirsty. I had one of those ‘Ice cold in Alex’ moments out there where I could see a wonderful cold glass of beer in front of me. I decided that we would definitely get a few beers in for New Year.

After our desert jaunt we headed up north via Marrakech and on to the living medieval city of Fez. We planned to stay a few days, see in the New Year and soak in the atmosphere of the place. Well, actually I wanted to get really pissed! New years day is my birthday and I traditionally need to get very drunk to null the pain of crossing yet another year off.

It is safe to say that my cunning plan then went pear shaped. In fact, it went big banana. Due to Ramadan, the muslim holy month of fasting the whole city had closed down. All the restaurants and bars were closed for the month and getting a meal at night or a snack during each day became such a complex and intricate business that I think I missed my vocation as a United Nations negotiator. Nicole opted to bypass the problem by resorting to furtively stuffing illicitly purchased cream cakes down her throat in dark back alleys.

However, you are either a liquid man or a solid man. I am a liquid man. The crisis of another birthday on top of a New Year in the dead zone without beer was getting to me as I trudged the streets in search of some entertainment. As I was turned away from another bar that was not selling alcohol I was about to give up hope until I passed a local shop and spied a pile of green Belgian cans on a shelf. Beer. Playing it cool and with great faith in my powers of negotiation I walked into the shop and pretended to be interested in buying some crisps and nuts. A buffet for the night I thought! The shopkeeper was immediately interested in my bulk purchase discount plan. How we laughed and joked together as I handed over my money for the big pile of cans I had purchased. I ran happily from the shop with the comforting thought that oblivion was only a few ring pulls away. Returning to our hotel I celebrated our prize and guzzled down some comforting mouthfuls. I sat admiring the wonderful cans with their multi-lingual writing. How green, how beautiful. What strength I wondered. I turned the can and saw the tiny words that surely will be etched onto my tombstone – non-alcoholic malt beverage.

The next day we left Fez for Tangiers, found the seediest open bar in town and before the subsequent alcoholic haze obliterated the memory I slowly began to see the funny side. Mind, I think Fez is off my travel itinerary for future New Year celebrations. Belgium too, come to think of it.

Zog on the Tyne is all mine etc etc

2008-01-27T20:16:00.001Z

Our local in Whitley Bay is showing Toon matches courtesy of Albanian satelite TV. When I have not been actually at away games I have been slyly watching there. I can't help smile when watching Albanian TV as it reminds me of my ridiculous trip to Albania in the 1990's.

It had been a hard and extremely confusing week spent travelling around Albania and to be quite honest I was sick of Albanian buses whose journeys seemed always to be accompanied by obligatory marching music that blared out from patched-up old stereos.

I decided to allow Albanian trains to take the travel strain and I confidently strode down the platform of Durres train station and asked fellow passengers if the train at the platform was for Tirana. Now Albania is a confusing country. The words for yes and no are po and yo. They shake their heads to mean yes and nod to say no. Perhaps the thought of not having to battle my way onto a bus again clouded my judgement and it was not until the train pulled out of the station early that it began to dawn on me that perhaps my Albanian communication skills had let me down and that I was actually on the wrong train.

I had visions of my impending fate – stranded at the end of the line, in the middle of the night in the wilds of Albania. I had no intention of becoming the next victim of some bandit descendent of the last Albanian King, Zog. I panicked, jumped up and desperately shouted and gesticulated at the bemused passengers in an attempt to find out once and for all the destination of the train. The combination of blank looks and gawping faces said it all. My worst fears had been realised and, grabbing my bag, I lurched off towards the end of the train shouting at any standing Albanian to get out of my way. As I neared the end of the train I realised there was only one option - I flung open the rear door and leaped off the end. By some miracle I came to a painless, if crumpled, stop at the side of the track. I looked up to see the train turn a distant corner and move off into the night.

I dusted myself down and walked back towards the station platform, where I was met with a rapturous reception from the locals. How they laughed and cheered, and laughed again at the crazy foreigner. Some even brought out their children to meet me. I bet they still talk about me in the bars of Durres now. A few minutes later a woman dressed in a 1970’s British Rail jacket (I bet that jacket could tell a story!) came up and pointed at an incoming train and told me it was for Tirana. Within a few hours I was in Tirana and I tell you I could of (almost) kissed the ground with relief.

Two days later I had bitten the bullet and booked myself onto a last Albanian bus to take me over the border into Macedonia. The journey was enjoyable as we weaved our way up picturesque mountain passes. Then we arrived at the border. I was not exactly very happy when the Macedonian border guards marched us off the bus and made us walk through a disinfection trench. I would not have minded, but I had paid extra to go by a luxury Albanian coach – no music guaranteed!

Geremi in goal shock....

2008-01-27T19:50:00.000Z

Geremi scored for Cameroon yesterday in the African Nations Cup as they beat Zambia 5-1.

Appointed captain by Big Sam Geremi began the season as an ever present in the team but has gradually slipped off the radar. Big Sam announced at the start of the season that he would take all the penalties, free kicks and most corners. I think it was the Barnsley league cup game that I started having doubts about him. I remember seeing him lumbering up the pitch at one point desperately trying to catch up with the game after going forward for a free kick. He looked overweight - not that that makes him a bad person of course - and the game passing him by. He also seemed totally bemused against Liverpool (although I think the rest of the team and the supporters were as well) and I can distinctly remember seeing him being berated by his colleagues as he left Kewell run riot on the wing.

During the last few weeks one story which came out appears to have disappeared in all the media furore. Apparently Mourinho had told Bobby Robson that Geremi was finished, that his legs had gone. Robson, faithful to the club, got in touch with Newcastle and let them know what had been said. However, Big Sam appears to have ignored this sound advice and gone out and signed him.

Quite where Geremi fits into our team over the next couple of seasons seems to be a mystery and presumably this free signing must be on hefty wages. Certainly his absence in Africa probably represents the least missed player from the squad out there. I guess this is one more conundrum for Keegan to sort out. I am always loath to single out and criticise one of our players so I hope I am wrong but on the basis of what I have seen so far it looks very much like Mourinho was spot on.

Six years since the Posh Mosh

2008-01-27T18:32:00.000Z

It is six years to the day that we played Peterborough in the FA Cup. This televised game was remarkable in that it was a rare chance to legally stand at a game.

The improvement of facilities in our stadiums has been a good thing, but the insistence on seating in stadiums seems to have resulted in something being lost along the way. Arguments about standing areas at matches is all tied up with the emotion around what happened at Hillsborough and the view of football taken by the Tory government at the time.

Nobody wants to go to a match and face the risk of injury or worse but I still cannot see why this means fans are forced to sit. They have standing areas in Germany and I don't see why safe standing areas should not be available in our stadiums. There have even been plenty of studies and research which backs this up but despite the fans (i.e. customers) pleading their case nobody seems inclined to do much about this.

This video on Youtube seems to sum up what we are losing.

So it looks like the atmosphere generated in stadiums will continue to dwindle, Sky will have to continue to turn up the sound to effect noise from grounds, clubs will play music when goals are scored instead of relying on those present to make a noise and away fans who choose to stand will be penalised by having allocations cut by clubs trying to enforce the silly rules.

For years I used to rage at Stamford Bridge as the over officious stewards would spend the first twenty minutes threatening and cajoling fans to sit down until they would simply give up. I was threatened with ejection on mumerous occassions and one one occassion arrest in what was simply a pointless exercise. Stamford Bridge is still a disgraceful toliet of a Stadium anyway, safe seating or not. And don't get me started on the identikit meccanno piles such as the Stadium of Sh*te, Derby, Southampton, Smognet etc.

It is funny to think that my son will probably never experience standing at a top level game in his lifetime.

Other than the occassional away cup tie the last Premier League game where we were in a proper terrace was at Fulham a few years back.A section of away fans were at the time placed along the side stand which had a terrace section. Drink had definately been taken that day, and this combined with a collective naughty boys in a sweetshop mentality made for a cracking atmosphere. If a little bit rowdy! It is a shame that now away fans are stuck in a seated area behind the goal.

The bring back the noise/Toon ultras lads at SJP are trying their best and good luck to em. Sadly I think the future is a sanitised, sterile experience. Where's me foam hands???

Book review - "Who Ate All the Pies"

2008-01-27T17:24:00.000Z

This book starts off with the archetypal tale of Quinn signing for Newcastle in 1989. As he walked out of the Stadium feeling 10 feet tall having signed for the club he heads towards to Town with his girlfriend. Coming towards him are a group of protesting supporters shouting sack teh board. As they get nearer Quinn could make out a big banner saying "WHO THE F*CK IS MICK QUINN".

This story is typical of the quality in this book. Quinn is a likeable character, his tales are well written and enjoyable and he can easily laugh at himself.

If you have not read this already then you can buy it below.

Quinn makes you feel good that at least in one stage in the near past it was possible that the fat bastards were not only sat in the stands.

What you looking at?

2008-01-27T16:47:00.000Z

A few years ago we started the season by playing Chelsea away. I was living in London at the time and I had the pleasure of having fellow mags Ian and Davy Young staying at my house for the weekend. We drew 1-1 that day and as we walked out of that horrible stadium Ian was on the phone to his Dad and said "Chelsea won't challenge for anything this year", prompting some mullet haired numpty to turn round and say "Wot you gonna challenge for eh". At which Davy Young put him in his place with "Eleventh place"

We stumbled off into the night and met up with my partner Nicole. Then the day started to take a surreal turn. We went for a curry in Tooting, and as we eat Davy Young got up and left the curry house without saying a word. We later found him curled up in the gutter outside. Sensing it was probably time to get him to bed we stumbled home. Suddenly Nicole gasped "Did you see that? There was a naked man standing in the doorway back there!"
We had'nt, so turned back to see if it was true. The three of us stood in front of the house staring at a naked bloke who was stood in his doorway smoking a fag. "WHAT YOU LOOKIN AT?!" he exclaimed.

We just stood looking at eachother and him. "Well, your the bloke who is stood there bollock naked like! " I replied. We turned round and headed home, not quite sure if what we had seen was real...it was, but thankfully it is not something you see every day of the week.

Another grand day out....spoilt by the football as usual

2008-01-27T16:18:00.000Z

Yesterday saw the first of our two visits to Arsenal this week. Unfortunately it turned out to be a bad start as the Toon reverted to type as we got beat three nil.

It was a marathon day in many respects. Thanks to works on both the metro and east coast mainline the day consisted of a combo of buses, trains and finally taxis as I stumbled into home in the early hours and collapsed onto the hastily constructed huffy bed sofa for a well deserved kip fest.

It was good to catch up with everyone from the London Supporters club but really it was one of those days where you start to question the sanity of following the Toon. Another good London humping served up by obnoxious cockneys....sigh.

When we finally overcame the London hoodoo several years ago to beat Arsenal 3-1 Bobby Robson summed up the bad sportsmanship of the Gunners by saying "Some people round here need to learn how to lose." How right he was as Shearer had to drag Henry off referee Poll. I have often admired some of the football Arsenal have played under Wenger but their nasty side always sticks in your craw.

That night was magnificent, and prompted me to open the Champagne I had been keeping for when we won a trophy (having given up on the concept some time before I thought this was a fitting moment). Unfortunately yesterday was far from a champers moment, but the cans of Stella were more than enough to blot out the downside of the day.As we wound our way north via the replacement bus from York we reflected that hey ho, lets look forward to Tuesday when we can do the whole thing again...hurrah!

KK says no Shearer No2

2008-01-25T15:11:00.000Z

Keegan announced today that after discussion with Big Al he would not be the new No 2 at SJP.

Perhaps it would be better to give the bloke a coaching role, clearly neither he or Keegan could fit both egos into one box.

I have to say this is probably a good thing, not sure how this would have worked in reality and the thought gives me shudders of Evans/Ged Houlier at Liverpool.

Old Ged reminds me of one of my mates Tim, who comes from Liverpool. As an Evertonian he has a dislike of all things Liverpool and on a trip to Spain he was berating Houlier over some issue or other of the time when he turned around and said well, he used to see him at his house in the 70's. After probing he revealed that Ged used to call round his parents house in the 1970's when he was a teacher in the Pool, apparently to see the family Au Pair. Of course we did not believe him so we called his Mam and asked whether it was true. She confirmed that yes he did call round regularily and often used to cook for the family.

Candidly she revealed his banana cake was in fact rubbish. So there you have it.

January window rumours look like a WAGS shopping trip....

2008-01-25T14:05:00.001Z

Apparently we are being linked to about 200 footballers as Keegan flexes his buying muscles in the transfer market.

Choose a random player, say Woodgate or Defoe, add a non-attributed quote from a greedy agent and there you have a transfer rumour. It must be nice work being either a football agent or a journalist.

They do say that Januray is not a great month to buy. For every successful transfer there is inevitably several bad ones. At least one player will not be coming our way. Boumsong, derided as one of the worst January buys in recent history, has thankfully moved to Lyon this month.

Media feeding frenzy abates...for now

2008-01-25T13:20:00.000Z

First we get the media having a go at Newcastle for months over the crap the club was playing on the pitch this year, which then puts pressure on Big Sam. Then when the club sack him the media have a go on the basis that this is allegedly all the fans fault. The media rounded on us that we are being unrealistic, that it is ridiculous that we should call ourselves a big club, that we delude ourselves that the club is entitled to a top four finish/trophy each year and that we are Johnny come later fair weather fans because SJP was never full when we languished in the bottom part of the old second division.

Once Keegan was appointed it seemed we got a very brief respite as the media seemed to remember how good it was for them under Keegan....then suddenly after Bolton the knives came right out again and were stuck into Keegan, Ashley, the Club and above all the fans. Some really nasty things have been said and written.

The last few days have seen a big drop in the coverage, even Mackem Louise took time out to write her first non-Toon article (although she did manage to get one anti-Keegan comment in) today and publish an article about Bryan Robson.

There are many other stories out there, I just don't understand why they choose to incessantly hassle our club. I would really like it if they just went away, leave us to ourselves and allow us to get on with it.

However, I suspect the knives are only being sharpened rather than put away. No doubt if we get a couple of bad results away to Arsenal this week we may see some more bitter anti-Toon comments.

Boffins prove 1995-6 Season was not what it seemed

2008-01-19T11:49:00.000Z

In this article in the Times, analysis by Dr Henry Stott and Dr Ian Graham applied a computer model to the 1995-96 season. The model allows you to compare the points scored in a season, or during any part of the season, with the number of points the club should have expected to gain during that period.

The article shows:
"On January 20, Newcastle had their 12-point lead. By that same date, Keegan’s team had 11.4 points more than our model expected. Manchester United were 2.92 points behind where we expected.

From that point, Newcastle performed as well as we would have expected. But Manchester United, having underperformed in the first half of the season, began to overperform in the second half. Keegan did not crack up. His team had overperformed at the beginning of the season."

So there you have it...all explained.

Classic Toon Advert

2008-01-19T11:30:00.000Z

...remember this from the 1990's?!!!

Fat Fred and His Six Managers

2008-01-19T11:04:00.000Z

Can't claim to be the author of this, original idea sort of came from our friend Louisekeys but it made me chortle!

1. Catherine of Aragon was stale and barren (as Kenny Dalglish's football).

2. Anne Boleyn was a sexy tease but failed to deliver an heir, and later beheaded (Ruud Gullit's 'sexy football' never came off, although I think his head is still on).

3. Jane Seymour was the favourite of the six wives (Bobby Robson was Freddy's best of the six).

4. Anne of Cleeves's marriage was a mistake (Souness appointment did not prove otherwise).

5. Catherine Howard gave the king STD's (Roeder rarely had a fit side, although maybe not for that reason).

6. Catherine Parr outlived the king (Allardyce outstayed Shepherd).

It's Madness...but welcome to the house of fun

2008-01-17T13:35:00.000Z

Yes, it is indeed madness. But, after last nights initial shock at the decision it funnily started to feel somehow right.

Last nights game was probably the most enjoyable for some time, certainly we were at our most attacking for some time. The players seemed up for it, the atmosphere was positive and it feels like a big Peyter Reid style monkey has been lifted off our backs.

Course it will all end in tears, either way, but that is not the point. Last night I was sat next to some woman who was with her husband and adult kids. I think she was a visitor from abroad who was dragged along as a tourist trip. Half way through the first half she turned round and complained to her husband that "This is silly, I don't like it." "You don't like it?...", I interjected, "How do you think I feel, I have had to sit here and watch the last three years." She did not come back for the second half, no pleasing some people. But the point is that the last few years have been awful, sad and bordering on morose. Matches have become merely a matter of routine, joyless games as we lurch from one disaster to the next.

In contrast, last night Tyneside had a collective grin on its face for a change. It might not make much sense to anyone outside the area but it kind of fits the bill. We have even had the odd positive media comment, Richard Williams summing it up in the Guardian (of all places!!!!):

"The cavalier has entered the gates and the roundheads are in flight. It may all end in tears. But the noise when he makes his return on Saturday evening will be worth hearing."

Lets enjoy the journey, and who cares about the destination....

There is a joke here....

2008-01-13T18:46:00.000Z

...but I just can't quite put it into words....

Unbelievably Souness said today he would be happy to come back as the new manager. Is he having a laugh?!

Hilariously, he criticised Fat Fred for not standing by him and helping him enough. Commenting on Shepherd he stated that he was not the kind of bloke you wanted next to you in the trenches.Well, he is probably right...he is not.

However, I strongly suspect he is exactly the size and kind of bloke you want absolutely right in front of you should you need to go over the top...boom boom!!!

Back to the future?

2008-01-13T18:06:00.000Z

The media is now pushing for a Keegan/Shearer combo now that Arry has slid off the agenda.I am not at all convinced that this team would work but after the shocking demolition at the hands of Man Utd yesterday I don't think my livers can take any more of this, either of em. Whether Keegan could be persuaded to return from his Glasgae exile after getting on his bike to start his Soccer Circus is one thing.I recall an interview where he said he had not watched a football match for years, would he having anything left in him for the job? Would a Shearer-Keegan combo work, who would be the coach? Would they keep Terry in employment to get the pies in (good news for Viduka and Greggs if they did)? Would Shearer risk possible ridicule if he fails?

Does any of this matter? Can they do any worse? Would it be a laugh? Yes!There is a lot of emotion around Keegan, I will never forget his first game as a player when he seemed to herald in a new feeling for me as a Toon fan - hope and the promise of improvement. His time as manager was also a roller coaster, I will never forget the Ronnie the day after we were promoted into the PL which had a front cover of a picture of fans placing a crown on his head to the byline of King Keegan. Course, there were a lot of down sides but the highs, wow! Perhaps after the turgid last few years we need a lift, a laugh and a bit of thrill. Can they do any worse? Probably but at the moment it feels like that would not matter. To be honest I would be happy to see a year in the Championship anyway!I just can't see it happening, a bit like Alien abduction in Dallas it seems too far fetched for even this great soap opera....

Has Ashley hoyed away credibility?

2008-01-13T17:49:00.000Z

Well, looking on the bright side of things at least we did not get the horrible cockernee old Arry. It was an utterly ludicrous choice to have made. It appears that the proposed move for this guy has more to do with Ashley's mate former Spuds malarkey Paul Kemsley.
Ashley has been listening to this shadowy figure who tried to get Arry into Spuds after they booted out Tony Soprano. He is a big mate of Arry and he believed that Arry was seriously interested in the job. Thankfully it turns out he was not but it appears Big Sam was sacked on the premise that they could muster him into the club.

I was horrified when it turned out that Arry was in the frame and I don't know what I would have done had he actually accepted it. Ashley has lost a lot of credibility in my view over this. You pick your friends wisely but who you choose to listen to on vital decisions is even more critical. Employing that twitchy tosser would have been a disaster. Another waste who would of cost us a "FEW BAGS OF SAND, YOU NORVERN MONKEYS".

Big Sams swings from the gallows...but who is at the gate?

2008-01-09T20:49:00.000Z

Startling news today that they have sacked Big Sam. Perhaps that was why he had his cheesy grin on his face when we drew against Stoke?

This means that either the club have a major coup lined up which will see the appointment of a great new manager or else it turns out that Mort and Ashley are as incompetent and stupid as Fat Fred et al. We will see.

Sigh, guess now the media will start criticising the club for killing off poor Sam - the same media which have hounded the man and the club for the last few months over his position.

I guess he was not their appointment, he was not exactly setting the world alight and the football was awful. Still, here we go again...

Day 210 in The Big Brother Louise Taylor House

2008-01-06T11:56:00.000Z

I have decided that my New Year resolution is to ignore bitter sad Mackem Louise Taylor's rantings in the Guardian from now on. Her latest tittle tattle article contains merely innuendo, rumour and heresay presented as fact. What a fine example of a "journalist" she is. As a final post on the subject I refer you to another blog which eloquently sums up her mackem goggled approach to the job. I have never seen her write one questioning never mind critical article about Sunderland or Keane, regardless of the position they find themselves in...enough said.

We are top of the league!!!

2008-01-06T11:46:00.000Z

Remember back in the halycon days of August when we had hopes and dreams for the new season...well, no, neither did I as I doubt I had any dreams or hopes for the season back then either...I was reminded the other day that the Observer awarded us the best Premiership ground rating for away fans. Given the central City location of the ground and close proximity to amenities compared to other stadiums I guess it would be favourable to visit than a lot of others.

Or it might be that because we have been so poor recently away fans have been whooping it up in St James!!

Apparently we are the problem....again

2008-01-02T11:19:00.000Z

Over the last few days there seems to have been a rash of media articles (such as Richard Williams who describes Toon fans as needy, ridiculously impatient etc - plus the usual daily anti-Toon Rant from Lou Taylor -in The Guardian and similar articles in the Times etc).

This angle seems to come up on a cyclical basis. The Toon go through a difficult patch, journos write about it and then analyse the supposed cause. Eventually they turn round and blame the fans as above.

So if Toon fans had not been harping on about how we have a right to win the premier league, FA Cup and European competitions every year while demanding we play attractive football all the players and staff would not be under the pressure they are now...and we would presumably have won the premier league, FA Cup and European competitions every year while playing attractive football.

It may reflect the type of booze monkey I knock around with but I don't seem to recall many people I know holding some of the overblown views of the Club they are claiming. I don't know anyone who thinks we have any right to a top four place, to challenge for trophies or who claims we are a massive club etc. Sure it was fantastic to see us playing in the Champions League, cup finals and going top of the league in the last 15 years while occasionally playing some nice football (at least under Keegan and Robson) but we are not arrogant enough to think we have some automatic right to it (copyright to Liverpool, Man Utd, Arsenal and lately Chelsea fans who produce those obnoxious signs saying so-and-so trophy "On-Loan" etc etc). Far from it if you consider the utter garbage we have endured over the majority of the last 30 years.

Part of the problem? I don't think so. I for one would be content enough to see us to start winning games on a regular basis even if it was not so-called pretty football. Unfortunately we are currently not winning games, the tactics seem confused, team selection erratic and the team often don't seem to be sent out with any motivational push - which must be the manager and his staff job to do. Therein lies the problem, at the moment we can see no progress.

As regards Allardyce I guess I have always been an agnostic. I have liked some of the things he has done (bye bye to Dyer/Bramble good) but was never a big fan. However, he has had a rough ride. My biggest bug bear is that if you compare what he has done with Keane down the road (£40m spent, struggling team etc) how come the Toon gets such a hard time whereas the Mackems and Keane in particular get such an easy time from the media? I guess if the likes of Lou Taylor was a Mag and not a Mackem things might be different...

And we will fight for ever more....

2008-01-01T20:51:00.000Z

It was 27 years ago today that we played the Mackems on New Years Day and a grand day out was had by all in a convincing 3-0 win at St James. Famously Peter Withe picked himself off his sick bed to play in what was a gripping game. Even Alan Shoulder scored I seem to recall! For me it was also my thirteenth birthday and my present was a ticket for the match, accompanied by my Dad for the last time to a game.

Having become a teenager from then on I was able to attend matches with my mates. Not for long though, as I think me mam started to worry about me and what might happen at matches. Not sure why, the performances were so woeful the Gallowgate was rarely full. So in the summer of 1980 I travelled up to St James with me Mam, went to the portacabin ticket office behind the old stand and selected my new season ticket seat in the East Stand benches. The season ticket became my delayed annual birthday present each year until I left the north east in the Autumn of 1985 for an exile that lasted till 2003.

It was a great seat, towards the back of the benches and right on the halfway line. Me Mam thought it was safe but to be honest there always seemed to be some fight breaking out between the old codgers (i.e. people of my age now) who sat around me, fueled by copious pre-match drink and some stupid arguement over whether Imre Varadi was any good. I loved it, and he was.

Milestone or millstone?!

2007-12-31T17:53:00.000Z

Sadly new years day is my birthday, which means I will be a year older, yet still none the wiser. The most important annual milestone for me was passed a few weeks ago with the anniversary of the 1974 Leeds home game which we won 3-0. This was my first game at St James. Having become instantly in love with the Toon after the 3-0 humiliation of the 74 cup final this set me on the rollercoaster of fun that has seen me through all these years. I shudder to think of what I could have done with myself had I not bothered. As a youngster I believed Supermac when he came back from Wembley after the Man City League Cup defeat and told a packed St James welcome home crowd that he would win the FA Cup that year. He did not, he left for Arsenal while we started the spiral down into decline and relegation etc etc.

What have the years of experiences taught me? Enjoy the highs when they happen because the Toon is only ever a step away from disaster...happy new year!

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

2007-12-31T17:36:00.000Z

It is New Years Eve and the end of another year. Strange state of affairs we find ourselves in. No New Year game, Toon in disarray after yet another turbulent few weeks.....

Barton looks like fulfilling his potential - as the latest lag to bring shame on our club - and Allardyce is looking increasingly isolated as he seems to be grasping at straws while things deteriorate. At least our old friend Lou Taylor is stirring up things nicely, the lazy mackem journalist is getting herself all hot and bothered with events writing in todays Guardian. Ah well, at least she provides something the team does not - consistency.

More Guardian Knives oot for Toon

2007-12-06T10:26:00.000Z

Once again Guardian Hag Marina Hyde exercises her whit to have a dig at the Toon in THIS ARTICLE. Sigh. Interesting that her Mackem mate Louisekeysarethesekeys expresses her shock that the Team performed better last night against Arsenal. What a shame for the media, it messes up their scripts...

2007-12-06T10:20:00.000Z

Get a Cash Advance

Scrooged

2007-12-04T23:25:00.000Z

Back in the days when we were quite good under Robson the players decided to cancel the Club Christmas party in order to concentrate on trying to actually win something. At the time footballers were bringing shame on their clubs by disgracing themselves in fancy dress antics. We ended up top of the league that Christmas and if it had not been for the disgraceful ignored assault upon one of our players at Goodison that year )and our capitulation v Man Utd) we might even have had the dream come true.

Amid the current media feeding frenzy (when do we ever not have one of those) comes the accusation that players are unhappy that they may we asked to spend the festive period away from home in some 5 star hovel that even the baby Jesus might turn his nose up to. It is all the fixture computer system fault anyway - somebody appears to have pressed shift for us when it comes to Boxing day every year. Whereas one can understand the fact it is unfortunate that players will be working from Xmas Day to the following Saturday as they travel to Wigan and London for the period and will be away from families it really is part and parcel of the job. Hotel workers, emergency services and bar staff etc will all be working the festive period as it is all part of the job you sign up to do. At least footballers will be recompensed better than the ambulance staff etc etc. Once they pack in their short careers and retire to a life of opulence they can start doing what everyone else does on Christmas day - eat, drink and fester.

Mackems nick wor beer

2007-11-25T20:22:00.000Z

News reached us in the week that Mike Ashley had attempted to buy everyone in the Toon end a beer at the Stadium of Sh*te. The bassas in charge refused to play ball on the basis that they could not cope with the demand and that it could cause security issues. Of course they had their hands full with enforcing security properly elsewhere, yeah.

Still, if Mr Ashley wants to buy us a beer then he is welcome at the Hottie anytime. Although he might want to lay off the Fosters (or Torrettes Lager as it makes you swear every time you drink it)...and most of the other beer for that matter..

Is my Mam turning into a killer?

2007-11-25T20:06:00.000Z

My Mother has dropped a bomb shell today by asking for a copy of Catcher in the Rye for Xmas. The book which inspired murderer Mark Chapman to kill John Lennon is certainly an unusual choice for my mother who traditionally requests romantic fiction rather than modern classics.

I think I should be worried, especially if she asks for any heavy digging tools for her birthday - she lives in a flat with no garden access.

She also wants me to buy this book, which she claims is a gift for my sister.

However, I am now starting to piece together a hint that she may be evaluating how successful she was at bringing up her son. Should she realise that the experiment was ultimately a failure this might be one of the last entries in this Blog...

Who do you think you are kidding...

2007-11-25T19:31:00.000Z

As Dad's Army Undertaker Fraser used to say, "We're Doomed, DOOMED I tells the!" It felt a bit like that yesterday. Although the team appeared to be doing an impression of Clive Dunn running round shouting don't panic at each other rather than actually dealing with the problem before them.

The only saving grace of the day was drowning our sorrows (I have had a very bad heed today, which I firmly blame on the Directors in the Hottie) and watching Sky Sports updates as the MAckems got a real stuffing 7-1. A small consolation which at least proves that no matter how bad things are no doubt there is always somebody worse off in the world than you.

Italian football fan shot dead by police

2007-11-12T09:24:00.000Z

The shooting of a football fan in Italy has reminded me of the various trips to Italy I have taken over the years and the bizarre attitude to fans that the Italian Police have. The shooting, which police said was accidental, occurred during a fight between Lazio and Juventus fans at a motorway service station near Arezzo in Tuscany. An unnamed policeman, who reportedly shot twice in the air to end the fight, hit and killed Lazio fan Gabriele Sandri, 25, who was sitting in a car.

Back in 2003 I went off to Brescia with the London Supporters Club end of season tour to watch former Toon Keeper Pavel Srnicek play.
Inside the ground the Police allowed fans to do whatever they wanted. Throw flares or missiles at will - bit like the Police at the Mackems! However, outside the ground it was a completely different matter.The Police sprang into action at any opportunity, and woe betide anyone who stepped out of line. Having missed our train back to Verona, we had a three hour wait to kill and managed to find a kebab shop near the station which served drink. We lolled about the street drinking beer, ignoring a warning from the kebab shop owner that the Police may not be happy with us straying far from the shop.

We watched as a Policeman and Policewomen turned the corner, saw a Turkish bloke who was making a minor nusiance of himself and escorted him towards the nearby alley. Walking along the Policeman pulled out his baton, put on his gloves and proceded to pistol whip the Turk down the alley. I have never seen Toon fans rush back to the seating area of a bar quicker...